Being Wide Open in Troubling Times

Hi Adyashanti. Good evening. Yeah, Dave. Um, I wanted to talk with you about um, it's kind of a company at the heart uh um, fear [clears throat] and [snorts] um, I'm blanking out, sorry. Yeah, look away from >> and and ignorance. >> Yeah, that always works. Okay. The heart, fear, and ignorance. >> Yes, great combination. >> Yeah, we got kind of the old version of the three jewels there. So yeah um so I keep going through these like cycles, like a eight, nine year cycle and um >> [clears throat and snorts] >> and what it seems to be is um, like the the ground gets taken out from under me in um, like 2001, my wife was diagnosed with cancer, 9/11, stock market crash, and I was fired from a company I started and lost my career as an engineer. And so just like it just took everything out from under me and there was nothing but surrender. I mean, I just that that was it. And my life just changed and it became I would wake up each morning and just I would let life show me what it had for me that day and You let go. I let go. I like totally let go and it lasted I mean, years. I mean, there were years of this flow state where it just took me through this you know, this things would just show up in my life. I started you know, coming to your Satsangs in Palo Alto I think in like 2002 and it's there's lots of things that just wove together and um and then it feels like you know, my heart starts to open. I start feeling this unity thing. There's something about that um, where I start getting like super sensitive to everything that's going on and particularly in the world. And so there's there's this ignorant piece which you know, there's ignorance in the maybe in the Buddhist sense but also ignorance in that there's stuff going on in the world and and I want to know about it. I I'd rather know about it and and have that knowledge than just be in ignorance and just make believe to put my head in the sand. Of course. So and I do that and and you know, my heart's open and I'm feeling all this stuff and then I I I'm like drawn into this stuff and it just scares the living [ __ ] out of me and heart closes, fear and I go into this whole cycle and then um and I eventually dig my way out of it, you know, and then my wife passed away three years ago and it was um, you know, [clears throat] we'd been together since I was 18 and it was like um I mean, my heart was broken but it was one of the most beautiful like I was being held by life by by the universe. I mean, it was just I I can't even describe it. People would look at me like I'm crazy. My wife just died and I'm just like again, I just surrendered and I was in this flow state and um and then yeah, just this whole recent thing with our president um, and all the stuff that's going on and it's just again, I like I'm sucked into this. There's this dark force, you know, dark meaning like lack of light, lack of love thing that's like and I I just I don't know. I just uh Okay, you you're very very clear on your experience. That that much you know. Right. >> Yeah. So I shut down, you know, I I um, I closed my heart and then I feel cut off. I don't I just it's it's this you know, wide open period of time and then just shutting, clamping shut and and um >> Yeah. Let's look at that then, okay? >> Yeah. So you get really really wide open. So to be wide open is to be well, wide open, right? To everything, right? You're not hiding from any anything. And so you get wide open and part of being wide open is there's a course a whole aspect of that that's absolutely extraordinary and lovely, right? We don't need that. That's not generally problematic though. Um but part of being wide open too is you're being wide open to the horrors of the world, right? Yeah. Uh the the tragic nature of existence. Right. Um, however that's being played out at whatever time period we may be around. And so you know, you become you you're open to that. Okay, so and to let me ask you this question instead of telling you. Have you noticed you may you probably don't think of it in these terms but I'm just going to use them because they may be useful. So there's sort of we could say ego, right? Right. With no judgmental overtone to it. Just just ego, right? An ego ego is basically there. It sort of develops as a in many ways as a survival mode, right? In in many ways it it works, right? It gives you grow up and you develop a sense of personal of autonomy and you can create things and start businesses and maybe lose them and and you know, so it has this whole function, right? But also the fundamental core of the ego is fear, right? Right. And one of those one of those fears is of course death. And another one of those fears is overwhelm. Mhm. Yeah. And so open up wide open, right? And that sort of shell is there, right? Okay. And so the ego of course will experience all the horrors of the world as not only horrible but there's there's something that gets within us that kind of cringes right? >> Yeah. Yeah. We go into kind of resistance. It's in fact to our egos our ego does not understand how could I be open to the horrors of existence and acknowledge them truthfully and honestly Right. without going into resistance. >> Right. >> feel that part of the ego mind that goes >> Very very >> even know what that would mean. Right. >> Like almost to that part of ourself that doesn't even make sense. >> Right. >> How could I possibly be open to that? It equates um, uh being open and taking in the the beauty and in this sense the horrors of existence and like almost like well the only option is is to to resist that or to feel Right. >> overwhelmed or frightened or probably a volatile cocktail of all that, right? >> Okay, so there's that that that that there's that part, right? At the same time that part's there. Yes. >> You ever notice there's another part to it? >> Oh yeah. Yeah. >> Okay. I mean, so what's happening simultaneously? There's like in in my life I know everything's okay. I mean, I know it at my core, you know, my wife died. It was okay. I know it's okay. I know all of this is okay >> I know. at that level and the so there's this mind Yeah, your ego doesn't know though. >> Right. And and and the heart is like open and sensing and so there's these two things functioning that know everything is totally safe and totally okay. And even if I die, even if this planet dies, even if humanity is gone, it's still okay. It really is. I can feel it. And so but there's this other yeah, the the heart all of these things these two things have both the physical and the spiritual aspects and the spiritual aspect knows but this other physical thing is just like freaking the [ __ ] out, you know, it's just yeah. >> right. Because right, so that's the the great benefit for you is that that that higher higher order of your of your nature is online, right? That's how you can know that everything's okay even if everything just collapses into some complete disaster. In some sense it's okay. But here's the dilemma though. Those two aspects of your being Yeah. >> aren't connected. >> Right. They're not communicating. Okay. Right? So I know that you know and you know that you know that everything's okay. But simultaneously there's a part in you that very much does not know. Right. That's the part that goes Oh my god. You know? Right. >> And there's a lot to say oh my god about. Right. >> Right. >> Right. >> Well, there probably always was. >> always always always is, right? We just this is just the latest version of you know, human insanity. Yeah. You know, when that when this one passes it'll be another one. That's what I seem to find. [laughter] >> Maybe. That's what I realize is yeah. And and there's there's something to that. I mean, and why it's so important to me is just it's not only my heart closing but I see so freaking many people, you know, they're just they don't know what to do and they just close their hearts. >> Right. And it is like you go into fear, there's nothing, you're disempowered, you're just and and I I want to help myself. I also want to help friends. I just I don't So this yeah, anyway. >> Okay. So I'm going to try to give you a few tools. >> Okay. Okay? Yeah. I'm going to give you a few tools because what what you want to do right now is get your higher and lower natures get them linked up. Not not that the one's going to become the other but they're they need they need to be more linked up than they are, right? There needs to be a line of communication between the two. Right? Cuz otherwise as far as the ego's concerned, it's just it's just out there in this this dangerous nutty world not only for you but for everybody else. And that's all it knows. And you can go to the higher point of yourself but that doesn't mean that that higher point of view is actually getting into your into the ego means. Exactly. >> Right. Okay. So that you can see the need for some sort of connection between the two, some sort of some sort of integration. So the first thing I think that you do is you do not do Well, the first thing you do is pause. Take a breath. Right? That's the first thing. That's always the first When the When my ego's activated, what's the first thing I do? I pause and I take a breath, right? >> Yeah. Okay, cuz if I don't do that, nothing's going to happen, right? Nothing but the same is going to unfold. Okay, so >> [snorts] >> Okay. All right. So, even though in spirituality, we don't tend to encourage distance, but for the moment, we're going to I'm going to encourage a little distance, right? So, how to have a relationship with the ego's responses that aren't that isn't based in ego? So, from your higher nature, let's say, your higher nature's not resisting your ego's responses, right? Yeah. And it's like it's almost like, "Hey, kid. What's going on?" Right. Right? What's going on, kid? If If your ego you can name your ego kid or whatever, right? I named mine sweetheart like 20 years ago. >> [clears throat] >> I found it and made access a lot easier. You know, but that doesn't work for everybody, especially guys. Yeah. So, so so [ __ ] probably isn't the right >> Yeah, yeah, [ __ ] doesn't really go That's That's the one I That's my go-to. Right, [laughter] right. Hey, [ __ ] you know. Oh, yeah. >> [laughter] >> Yeah. That that tips you into what's what's what's what's creating the name, right? Right? That's the ego creating the name. Cuz the part of you that knows that everything is okay also knows that that ego that ego response and overwhelm and fear that like hey, that's okay. Right? [clears throat] And so, we're connecting these two. You're connecting these two. So, you're you're bringing that response up into kind of a more loving embrace. Like, "Hey, what are you afraid of?" "What are you afraid of? What's going to happen?" Right? And it you're sincere. You You and you're not You don't edit. You ask it, "What are you afraid of?" And it'll tell you, right? >> [clears throat] >> "I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of that." And you know, most spiritual people start editing cuz they think oh, it's the ego and I'm not supposed to have that and da da da da da da da da da. But you just don't eat. So, "Hey, what's going on?" Right away, there's a little relationship established, right? Right away, maybe your ego starts to realize you are someone it can trust. Yeah. Right? You're not just saying, "Hey, shithead." So, yeah. Right? Not much trust. >> No. >> [laughter] >> Okay, man. Not only is the world unsafe, but it's I'm unsafe. Yeah, I'm good at that. Right, to myself, [clears throat] right. Right. So, something something along the lines of, "Okay, hey, what are you afraid of?" And the ego will will tell you, "I'm afraid of this and this and this and this." And And it will always have a And if you feel into it, right? The you'll feel that the the the ego's actually always something pretty young. Especially when it's afraid. It just has kind of a young voice and a young feel. Yes. You know, it's just like a little kid, "I'm afraid of this and I'll be overwhelmed by this and this will be a disaster and You ever seen a kid little child or have a meltdown? Yeah, oh, yeah. You know what I mean? That's it's it's Yeah, that's what it feels like. Yeah, cuz that's that's literally what's happening cuz that's one of the fundamental fear responses of the ego is overwhelm. Yeah. And so, when we look into the tragedy of life and we look and we're we're not diluting ourselves and looking away and not being informed, but we are informed, the most common response from our from our lower nature is overwhelm. Right. This is just too damn >> No, it's exactly what it feels like. Right, right. So, I find the first thing is you kind of go like, "Yeah, that makes sense." Right? Yeah. Just like talk when we're talking together. For me to For me and you to communicate, we got to kind of get into each other's space, right? We got to make each other's space okay. If we're not doing that, there's we're not going to communicate at all, are we? No. Not We're We're going to talk, but nothing's going to happen. Right. Right? So, there's this you create this communication. You let the ego be what it is. You let it be afraid and overwhelmed and you hear it and and you let that unfold for a little bit. And you just let it unfold. You're not trying to fix it yet. You're not trying to do anything. You just Okay. So, that that part of you knows that you you are a safe space for it. Even if you might ultimately say it's a delusion and it's unreal and all that, even so, fine, it's an illusion, but you're a safe space for illusion. Yeah. Right? Okay. >> [sighs] >> So, you're just letting them connect for a moment. So, your ego kind of starts to connect with that with your higher nature that already knows. It knows Yeah, it's a disaster. You're right, but somehow weirdly from Yeah. this high point of view, this bird's-eye perspective, it's somehow strangely okay also. >> now I feel it right now. Yeah, it's like "Okay." And your ego reaction like and that's part of what's okay, too. That's included in the okayness. Right. Right? Okay, now you you start to become in an even safer place. Right. For you because when the ego sees like the world's not neces- it has its story that we ego's not a safe place. If you're not a safe place, either. >> Yeah. Yeah. Now, I think you hit it right on the Yeah. Where is it [clears throat] to go? What is it to do? We've cut it off from its only resting place. Yeah. Now, that's that's one of my intentions coming here is to stop attacking myself and and you know, I'm just Yeah. And you >> kidding one about it. The like the [ __ ] idiot thing, you know, I've got this thing that runs that's just vicious and just from what you just said, I just feel like settling. I mean, just Yeah. Yeah, and like I said, you you even though I know you you you said it jokingly and everything, you know, when we say you know, the the [ __ ] and it's also, "Hey, shithead's afraid." Yeah. Shithead's overwhelmed. Right. Yeah, that's the ego attacking the ego. Yeah, yeah, and it's not really it's not really shitty. It's just It's like from its point of view, that's the thing especially when you have access to higher perspective, to get these to communicate, you got to do something that's very counterproductive. You've got to in for a moment for a moment, you've got to relinquish your higher nature so you can get down into ego perspective. Yeah. You know, just like what just like if you're dealing with a with a child and they're having a a tough time, right? You can't talk to them like a big smart adult. You got to get down in there with them. So, you get down in there and you're like, "Hey, let me see how it looks." And from the ego's point of view, it's overwhelm and it's fear. It makes sense when you get in its eyes, right? It's like, "Well, sure, anybody that looked through the world through like this would be overwhelmed and terrified." Of course. Yeah, I get it. And you can see just I hope you can start to feel even the words I'm using, the the the relationship that we're trying to establish, you you can feel the ego start It starts to kind of soften. Oh, yeah. It's like, "Okay, this guy's safe." All right. Cuz your job cuz you are you aren't the ego. The ego doesn't define you, but it's there. And your job is to connect it to its its higher source, its nature, right? That's what we're doing. You cannot effectively leave it behind forever. It doesn't work. You can transcend it Right. You're in a spiritual bypass, really. >> in a flow state and everything where and hell, you might be in that flow state for years, but what you left behind is going to find some reason to start screaming. Yeah, that's what it feels like. As if to say, Yeah. "No, no, no, no, no. You can temporarily transcend, but you can't ultimately transcend." Yeah, that feels exactly right. Yeah, so you're just [clears throat] you're just connecting up. And when you have some access to higher nature, it's like, "Why why wouldn't you?" Yeah. Now, it's interesting because I often from the ego can ask this higher thing any question and get like profound, you know, responses Yeah. That direction, but I guess I never thought of coming back down the other way. Yeah. >> Yeah, now I don't know if this the story resonates for you, but I I've used these words from the old Jesus story because I love them, but I think they may may make sense not as a personal experience. And those words, "God so loved the world that it gave it his only begotten son." Right? That's higher nature speaking. Right. "I so love the world." The world is this chaotic, strange place including the ego that I gave it myself. So, see, it's it's sacrificing. Mhm. It's coming back down into the ego perspective. It's establishing relationship. And you stick with it. It's not an intellectual endeavor. You stick with it until you you feel that safe, warm feeling, right? And they're like, "Okay, now they're connecting." Because the the ego is it's dualistic. Things are either good or bad, they're right or wrong, they're frightening or not frightening. Your higher nature knows they can actually be both at the same time. Yeah. Right? Yes.