Gretchen Rubin and Vishen Lakhiani on the Four Tendencies

Welcome to our episode of the Mind Valley show with grud and Rubin on the four Tendencies you're going to love this because before this video is done you're going to be asked to take a simple quiz on Gruden's website that's going to help you establish one of four personality types for yourself I just did this I'm what you would call a questioner and when you understand your personality type this is going to change the way you interact with other people the way you show up at work you're going to understand little nuances about yourself but first let me introduce Gretchen Rubin Gretchen Rubin is one of today's most influential and thought-provoking observers of happiness and human nature an acclaimed writer she's known for her ability to distill and convey complex ideas with humor and Clarity she's written nine books and today we're going to be diving into ideas from the four Tendencies one of my favorite Gretchen Ruben books Gretchen welcome to mind Val I'm so happy to be talking to you so I did the quiz today uh I'm a questionnaire but before we get into that I just want to say I found this quiz it took me about maybe 7 minutes to do I found it really intriguing uh the questions that were asked but also the insights that came from it tell us about the four Tendencies how you came up with this idea and what our audience needs to know well I realized in my study of habits that there were patterns that people fell into like certain people didn't like use resolutions because they were arbitrary or certain people are like were thinking why is it that I can always keep my promises to other people but I can't keep my promises to myself that's me and some people are saying why do people always tell me that I ask too many questions why is it that I never want to do anything that somebody tells me to do and I realized that there was a way to understand these patterns and so we could really set ourselves up for success or help other people uh find more success by understanding themselves better so the basic idea from what I understand has to do with your commitments to yourself and your commitments to other people I would use the word expectations because we might say I'm very committed to doing it but it's it's it's about how do you respond when somebody expects something from you or when you expect something from yourself I noticed that my children have completely different ways they deal with expectations and and I I noticed the same thing about myself so I am better at keeping a promise to someone else but helping someone else with their health with their Wellness than I am with my own so I've been trying to commit to learning as as a language I keep failing my commitment well then you sound like an obliger because that is the definition of an obliger an obliger is somebody who has is able to meet their commitments to other people but has trouble keeping their promises to but I did the test I fell into questioner but let's go further let's talk about the four Tendencies and let's invite the audience here to take that test for themselves and figure out where where they might fall but before we go into the test why is it important to know this if you know this you can set yourself up for Success you can meet your aims for yourself and you can also understand why you have conflict with other people or why you're just baffled by what they do or what they don't do because you don't it's very hard for us to understand how people just see the world in a different way from the way that we see it so I keep thinking I can do this why can't you do it or I think oh you can do this what's my problem what's wrong with me where in fact you just need to set things up differently because maybe you need outer accountability and someone else resists outter accountability there's no right there's no wrong it's just whatever works for you you know when I when I read your book what I began to realize that even on the Mind Valley platform the way we we motivate people to live up to their personal growth promises their health and wellness challenges has to be taking into account some of these four Tendencies I'm sure it does so let's start with the first personality type so what this is looking at is how you respond to expectations outer expectations like a work deadline and inner expectations like my own desire to keep in new's resolution an upholder is someone who readily meets both outer and inner expectations they meet the work deadline they keep the New Year's resolution without much fuss they want to know what other people expect from them but their expectations for themselves are just as important so their motto is discipline is my freedom uhuh so is this like the the best type is there a best type there is not a best type um but this type upholder sounds pretty damn good but there are every tendency has upsides and downsides and as as an upholder I can tell you the downsides are rigidity we get something in our mind and we want to execute it it's hard to be flexible it's harder to hand ambiguity it's not clear what success looks like um we upholders can be judgmental because they don't understand why other people struggle with things that come fairly easier to upholders um so they can have tightening where the their rules from themselves get Tighter and Tighter so they're sort of Trapped In Their Own bureaucracy um so each tendency has strengths and weaknesses the people who are the happiest healthiest most productive and most creative it's not a matter of tendency it's a matter of do you know yourself and have you put yourself in a context where you can Thrive and do your best rather than than trying to jam yourself into someone else's model okay so the first personality type is the upholder what about the second second is questioner questioners question all expectations they'll do something if they think it makes sense so they resist anything arbitrary inefficient unjustified they're always asking why they're often told that they ask too many questions they tend to love to customize they tend to love research um so if something meets their in standard they will do it no problem if it fails their inner standard they will push back so their motto is I'll comply if you convince me why this sounds like this sounds like me and this is what the quiz said I was so when I was a teenager I just had the hardest time accepting the religious beliefs of my family by the time I was 19 I told my dad I'm no longer a Hindu like I I do not want to embrace religion in this way because I couldn't understand all the the the rules and the rituals and the Traditions that everyone else was forcing me to do does that sound like questioner Behavior yes because questioners are like if I don't understand why I just can't get on board and so and I'm sure you see in uh you know that when people understand why they're being told or suggested to do something then they follow through if it doesn't make sense to them they won't do it so so what the downside of questioner questioners can drain and overwhelm people with their constant questioning sometimes they ask too many questions other if uh like if I'm a thin skinn boss or like a teacher I might say you know your questions mean you're questioning my judgment or my authority you don't feel like a team player um sometimes they get analysis paralysis this is when they they love research so much that it makes it's hard for them to move forward or make a decision because they just you know what bike should I buy I could research that for the next year um and uh they can make others feel very defensive because it's sort of like people say I feel like I'm a I'm a witness on the stand or I feel like a reporter is like you know investigating me for a crime because these questions whereas the questioner is like well why why isn't everybody ask asking these questions like why are we going to do something if it doesn't make sense so to them it feels constructive but they have to learn how to ask questions in a way that um that other people feel is constructive and the third type the third type is obliger this is the biggest tendency for both men and women you either so this is the most common one so you either are an obliger or you have many obligers in your life so we all have to understand obliger obligers readily meet outer expectations but they struggle to meet inner expectations so these are people who say I keep my promises to other people I can't keep my promises to myself why can't I take time for self-care why can't I make myself a priority why can't I put myself first and the secret for an obliger is to create outer accountability even for an inner expectation if you want to read more join a book group if you want to exercise more take a class where the the instructor knows if you don't show up work out with a friend who's annoyed if you don't show up take your dog for a run who's so disappointed if she doesn't get to go raise money for a charity think of your duty to your future self or your duty to be a role model there are so many ways to create outer accountability once you realize that that's what you need many obligers are told by the other Tendencies oh just put yourself first make up your mind and do it and it's like no they need outer accountability even for inner expectations so that that's interesting CU I I think I'm may have some oblig Tendencies because I noticed that the people in my company that I hire to work uh I don't have an assistant but I have people who assist me at various tasks but all of them have to be people who crack a whip on me so when I'm writing a book my editor isn't just editing the book my editor make sure that I am putting in the work I'm showing up for a scheduled appointments that I'm writing X number of pages a week because if not I tend to slip then it sounds like you're an obliger who has done exactly what is the the best thing to do which is to say how do I do my best work how do I need to engage with the people around me I have a friend when she said whenever she gets a job she says I need a tough boss are you a tough boss because that's how I do my best work and I need tough assistance everybody I have who's assisting me with something is is a badass because they have to kick my butt especially when what I need to do is something for myself so that's exactly what you've done you've created outer expectations so that you can meet your inner expectations for yourself and re are the opposite so Rebels this is the F personality so the rebel tendency they resist outer and inner expectations they want to do what they want to do in their own way in their own time they can do anything they want to do anything they choose to do they tend to love a challenge but if you ask or tell them to do something they're very likely to resist typically they don't even tell themselves what to do like they don't sign up for a 10 a.m. yoga class on Saturdays because they think well I don't know what I'm going to want to do on a Saturday and just the idea that someone's tell me to show up is going to annoy me um so U their motto is you can't make me and neither can I so what's the down side of being a rebel well it can be very difficult for other people to live in or work with somebody who if you ask or tell them to do something it's very likely they're very likely to resist and also Rebels can get frustrated with themselves because they like a rebel said to me I decided I was going to give up bread and the next day I ate an entire loaf of sourdough because nobody tells me what to do not even me and so they have to use the the rebel tendency so for you outer accountability works great you have all these people who are holding you accountable a rebel can't do that because the minute somebody holds them accountable they'll start to push back so they do things like thinking about their identity I'm a creative person I'm a leader I'm a responsible boss I'm an environmentalist I'm an animal lover I'm uh a poet they live up to that Identity or you can point out information consequences choice and here's the information here's what's going to happen if you do it or don't do it up to you um but you can see how if you don't know your tendency or you don't know someone else's tendency you might pick the wrong way to engage with them absolutely so let's say I'm an editor if I'm working with an obliger I need this chapter by this month and I'm going to be disappointed if I don't get it and you're going to mess up my schedule and I'm looking for it and when is it coming if it's a reubel it's like I know you've got the chops to write this book I can't wait to see the book you're going to write cuz I know how much you have to tell the world so you know if you get it to me if you give if you tell give it to me by December we can get this thing published in a year but if I don't get it till January well you know I got another book slotted in it's going to be a lot longer wait up to you I love that okay so that that's that's the obliger and the rebel what about the questioner and the upholder how would a book publisher deal with a writer who was in that personality type so with a questioner it's why it wouldd be like this is the schedule and this is why because if you say something like I need it by Friday and I'm like Hey listen I know you're not going to read it till Monday but if you're like I need it by Friday because um I'm going on a long flight and if I have it with me I'll read it on the flight and I can get you edits back right away it's like well that makes sense you've given me a reason I'm willing to I'm willing to do what you ask uph holders tend to be like okay fine just whatever like tell me you know how high and I'll do it uh sometimes to a fall right so maybe they should say like well why are you telling me Monday if Friday works just as well what you know so upholders need to work I'm definitely not an upholder okay well I'm an upholder I'm beginning to see that my Publishers at penguin Random House know exactly what they're doing because without knowing my personality type they use all four all four of what they said to get me to release my books on time they're not taking any chances right right well and and that's the thing is if you're trying to deal with a lot of people you want to think about well how do I push all these buttons um or be prepared for all these different types so if you're if you're running a team if you're leading a team and you don't know the personality types of the people in your team I mean you may kind of suspect but you don't know for sure um let's say you're the you're you're the you're the owner of a 10 or 20 or 100 person company how do you communicate let's say there's an important deadline there's an important project how would you communicate that to to hit as many personality types as possible so you want to be very clear first of all you want to provide reasons um but you don't want to exhaust everybody with a reason so like let's say you want everybody to start using a new software program you might have a meeting where you explain to everybody briefly this is the reason that we're doing it and this is why it's important that you do it and then you might say if you have further questions I'm happy to stay here and explain more if you feel like you've heard enough feel free to return to your desk because why am I going to drain everybody because I'm like look you're the boss you're telling me what to do I don't care like that's not my problem it's your problem to figure out the software but the questioner is like if I don't think it's a good idea to change I'm not going to change and then you've got a company running on two softwares obliger has to be cleared there is like they often do better with deadlines and they definitely do better with a sense that others are going to notice so you would never say to an obliger something like Hey listen when you've got some downtime would you do XYZ thing because we're going to make this software change it's like that's never going to happen so upholders are probably the easiest employees right and in a way the most professional well they but they can be very rigid and so it depends on what kind of work you have because if you're like let's say you're a rebel boss and you're like I'm getting a great idea and we're going to change everything but they're probably the ones who will complain about change oh things are always changing well they're going to have more difficulty with that because upholders tend to want to execute on a plan and there's a lot of upside to that but if you're in a place where hey we need a like flexibility we need lots of flexibility and we need people who can just like turn on a dime uh like have upheaval in a schedule A lot of unpredictability that can be very hard also if you're doing anything where it's not like upholders Al are often very concerned about what the rules are in some professions they don't they want you to be very kind of open and and with question us I'm guessing you really have to give them the reason for this strategy the reason for this tactic yes and now with um with obligers I'm guessing that's also a very easy group of people to lead I've had many people say to me how do I scream I only want to hire obligers well that's good I've been a really good I'm I'm I'm probably very I very good obliger Tendencies yeah but the but let me tell you about the what an important about obligers sometimes obligers have obliger Rebellion tell me if you've ever experienced this this is when an obliger will meet meet meet meet and expectation and then suddenly they snap and they say this I will not do and sometimes it's some they'll do something funny like I'm just going to sit in my car in the parking lot and be late for work or some or I'm not going to answer your emails for two weeks or it can be very very dramatic I'm going to get a divorce I'm going to quit right now right now today I'm walking out the door um or I'm going to end a 30-year friendship and happens when obligers feel um overwhelmed by expectations they become unmanageable so they feel exploited or ignored or taken advantage of and so the obliger Rebellion kind of blows up the situation to to to protect the obliger and so it it is meant to be protective that's the reason that it happens but it sometimes can have very very dramatic consequences and kind of negative reputational consequences cuz I'm like Hey listen I asked you if you wanted to be on this committee and you said yes so so I don't understand now why you're so mad at me like what's the problem here because I unless I understand obligers I don't understand the immense pressure that you feel like you're under you're like you asked me to do it of course I said yes but like why am I on nine committees and everybody else is on two committees it's like I need to look at that situation and say I don't want my most valuable employee walking out the door because of oblig just a caveat here right but I'm I'm guessing that people don't necessarily fall cleanly into a box one can be they pretty much do they pretty much do cuz I I feel like I'm obliger and questioner probably what you are then from the way you're describing yourself is you're probably a very very curious and analytical obliger so you're very interested in things but but what this looks at is why do you do what you do and when you don't do something what gets you to do it right and the thing about an obliger is for a questioner what gets them to do it is explanations reasons that will get them to do it you're saying no knowing that someone's holding me accountable depending on me enforcing deadlines looking for my product that's what makes you do it right now let's go on to Rebels yes so Rebels I'm guessing are some of the toughest employees to lead well it depends on what you want because Rebels are unstoppable there's enormous power in the rebel tennessy um they tend to be they tend to be great entrepreneurs because then they're making the rules and doing things their own way um they're often really good at sales they're very good at places where there's a lot of variation um like somebody was uh a restaurant manager so she was on the road every day every day was different people were different nobody was looking over her shoulder as long as she excelled at what she did she kind of like set her own way some Rebels are very attracted to the to the military the clergy um uh the police and corporations with high regulation these Rebels kind of take their energy from resisting and pushing back um and if you look a lot those organizations sort of know how to manage that kind of that kind of personality type but I will say that in general it is the most different from the other three and it can be sort of the hardest to manage I think because people don't really understand it so they often are like interfering with the rebel if I keep coming at you with deadlines and micromanaging and and and watching over you instead of finding that helpful you're actually igniting the spirit of resistance in me so you're you're slowing things down so this is so so so fascinating also makes me realize that there is no one one accurate leadership style if you're running a company oh no no no no but just like you what your advice what is your advice to CEOs to Founders to entrepreneurs who are running teams and these teams have these different personality Styles how do we how do we motivate and and keep everything healthy well the first thing to do is to avoid the obvious tendency which is to favor your tendency because of course you understand your tendency the best the way people behave makes the most sense to you you can predict it the best but you don't want to overload your team with any one of the Tendencies because you're going to it's like any kind of diversity you want people having different views different strengths different weaknesses and so they're bringing different perspectives so as an upholder I love working with upholders but I know if I'm surrounded by upholders will'll just reinforce each other's traits we won't have that that depth and that complex that we need so first is to know yourself and and to make sure that you're not just favoring other people who see the world the way you do you get a bunch of questioners in a room they'll never make a decision because they're like but did you think about this well what about that so I realized I'm going to have some of the 10 to 20 people I work most closest with take the quiz yes and share with me their types so that we we we can better work together so I love this work this work is incredible now those of you watching right now you've heard about the four personality types there is the the obliger which is the most common there's the rebel there's the upholder and there's the questioner where do you think you fit in and if you don't know yet or if you have a clue take the quiz and the quiz will help you narrow it down where can they take the quiz Gretchen Gretchen ruben.com quiz and you can take the quiz there it's free amazing well thank you Gretchen I'll see you in the next episode