Peter Crone: The Number One Relationship Pitfall

I think one of the attributes that I do love about myself and I'd assert it's one of my biggest pillars in my work is the ability to listen. And I think most humans don't know how to listen. They just react. So one example I was just doing a workshop. It was a few months ago now in uh Hawaii and um I was speaking to many of these things and there was 90 plus% women who are on this retreat, beautiful retreat. And this one woman posed a question. said, "Well, how do I help my son because he's always belittling himself relative to his older brother?" And she gave the example of like, "Oh, I'll never be as good as Johnny is what what he said." And because she's a loving mother, her reaction was, "Oh, honey, no, you're this and you're that." And she started giving him all these accolades, which to the lay mind is like, "Well, that's wonderful. She cares about her son." And it's a subtle distinction, but it was very important. and it changed her whole relationship with her son. I said, "You're not listening to your son. You're superimposing your world on top of his and he doesn't feel heard." Now, I don't want him to stay and hang out in the feeling of inadequacy relative to his brother. That's not what I'm condoning. But I'm saying he's not being heard, which is why he also feels somehow less than. Right? Do you understand? So, he said, "I don't feel as or I'll never be as good as Johnny." Now, what that's what he's saying. Now, somebody who can listen would feel into gosh, what must that feel like for that kid? And then we can start to have compassion and hold a space for his reality because his reality at that moment is feeling inadequate, needing to be seen, needing to be held, not to be pumped up like, "No, you're this and you're that, right?" Which which we've all done to friends like, "Oh, don't. No, you're amazing." And but sometimes what people want is just to be heard. I feel lousy. I don't feel very good about myself. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. Like these are legitimate everyday human experiences. And I think one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is just to let somebody feel those things. We don't necessarily want them to hang out there, but to literally let them have their reality because often times it's if we to think about it physically, it's almost like an emotional toxin that we're trying to release. And as soon as we say no, you're amazing. We're actually suppressing the expression of something that is currently discomforting in us. So for that woman, she literally had a tear in her eye and she was like, "Wow, I just I do that all the time." Now, it was by no means a judgment of her cuz she's coming from a loving place. She adors her son, but she said, "It's so true because he often says, "You don't listen to me." >> And she never made that connection. So again, it's subtle. We don't want him to feel inadequate, but we want to honor his reality because then he will literally feel seen and heard, which gives him a sense of value because we're saying, "We love you enough to actually honor your reality." Then we can get into, "Well, why do you feel that way? What happened?" You know, was it because of Johnny's performance at something or because he got better grade? I don't know. But now we get into their world which is the gift of real relationship is really understand someone else's reality versus forcing your own perception of them on top of theirs. >> Peter that is I think such a powerful story because >> there will be many parents listening to this who I think will just take a beat there and go >> wait a minute let me just rewind that because >> I do that to my own children. And what's interesting for people um I think is that it's from a place of love. >> Yes. Of course. >> Yeah. People are trying to protect their child. >> Yeah. >> But I think a lot of people will be thinking, you know, I do that to my child. >> And >> I think it's it's it is subtle, >> but it's very key. It's very very key. And it's something I think Vid and I, my wife, we have changed a lot with our kids over the past few years as we've understood this more and more. It's like, hold on a minute. >> Don't just um reflex wise just say no, no, that's not the case. So, hold on. You're saying, oh, it's a two-step process. One of step number one is Yeah. Let them have that. Make sure they feel heard. That's fundamentally what every human wants, isn't it? To feel heard and seen. >> Yes. And that that is I mean if we get that right actually we change a lot in the world straight away >> like and that's why I love relationships and why I said everything is about relating because I think you know your wife and women are they definitely have an upper hand on men because they do that for each other you know and certainly you know you know sometimes women can obviously be a little bit competitive with each other but when they're loving friends >> they listen to one another and their feelings because they can relate from the fact oh I feel that a lot myself you know whatever is inspiring it but Women are much more um adept at expressing feelings and listening to one another. Males, because we're sort of very binary, we're sort of very logical. We want to fix things. We don't necessarily understand that all they're doing is expressing meaning they women, partners, sisters moms girlfriends wives they're just sharing how they feel. And what they're asking for is just get my reality because right now I feel lousy. I feel unattractive. I feel like, you know, I'm a loser or it and and they just want to feel it's okay. And why this is paramount, as far as I'm concerned, just my opinion, to establish that pattern of relating with children is because what happens is with this one woman's example that I gave, what that little boy is learning is that his feelings um don't aren't important. What's important is that we keep focusing on the positive or that you're only going to be loved when you're not feeling inadequate. So, we're not actually making room for our humanity. And that that's my work is is allowing all of our flaws, our beliefs of inadequacy and insecurity to be there. Not necessarily to deny them or suppress them or drink them away, but go it's okay to have a day where you feel like It's okay. And and when you really give yourself that permission, it opens up your bandwidth to love, which is all embracing. Cuz otherwise we collapse love with no, I'll love you as long as you behave the way I want you to. >> Yeah. I mean I mean if you really get that like what has that got to do with love? That is complete preference. That is all about me. That's not about you. >> That's conditional love. >> Yes. It >> that's conditional love in some ways, isn't it? It's like behave in the way that I like and I will love you. For that reason, I would actually say it's got nothing to do with love, which is a deeper interpretation of love. See, when people talk about unconditional love, I say that's complete paradox because it's it it's love or it's not. It doesn't need to be like love is all embracing. And if people just get that like because they will say, "Oh, I love so and so." But if they really were to look at themselves in the mirror, I don't deny that at some level they do. But in the way that they behave, the way that they speak to that person, the way they react to that person isn't a reflection of love. It's a reflection of control, manipulation demand and dismissiveness, it's that's not these aren't the qualities of love. Love is I accept you 100% for who you are with all of your emotions, all your self-expressions. You still have your own preferences in that. Like if somebody does behave in a way obviously that is in any way hurtful towards you, that may be a relationship you want to reconsider. But I accept you for who you are. Like I always use the example of I can love a heroine addict for who they are and have a lot of love and compassion for where they're at in their life. It doesn't mean that it's somebody that I want to date or invite over for Christmas to my house. Right? So I still have my own personal preference within that. But there's no judgment. If people could understand the the the disservice that it is to make another human being wrong in any capacity, that that alone opens up an entirely new world for people of compassion, love, acceptance, and for ourselves of relief because I don't need other people to be a certain way for me to be okay. And that's what people are saying. You need to do this, you need to behave that way, don't do this, you should do that. Like it's exhausting. It is exhausting. >> If I think that my my joy, my happiness, my relief, and my sense of contentment is completely predicated on how other people behave. >> Excuse my French, but you're from the get-go, right? Because you're saying that I need to control the myriad of moving parts that is my family, my company, my my friends, and my society in order for me to find any glimmer of peace. That is that is a hopeless proposition. It is exhausting. It's futile. And what I'm inviting people to consider is you can allow everything and everybody to be exactly the way they are and still be completely at peace. And I'd assert that's the only form of real peace there is is to allow life to be the way it