Rupert Spira: Beyond Transactional Relationships

Yesterday in your response to Birkit, you were saying that you advise rather than visualizing and trying to manifest, you advise going back to being and love and health will be an inevitable consequence of being. And my question is, how can I apply? Okay, let let me paraphrase. My separate self gets very stuck in feelings of insecurity and shame and whatnot when it comes to relationships because I'm currently I'm single for context and my heart yearns for a relationship which is I know a very natural social need as a human. So my question is how can I apply these teachings in a very practical way? >> Yes. Okay. And first of all, this yearning for relationship is not just a natural social need. It's much deeper than that. It's it's a longing to manifest in relationship what is already the case, namely that you share your being. So that you're already one. Remember WBH said there are there are no strangers here. there are only friends that you haven't yet met. You you you're one with everyone. And the desire for intimacy in in relationship is a desire to to manifest your prior unity in in this case in an intimate relationship. It's not just a social need. It's much deeper than that. But you don't want to live as an isolated separate self. Why? Because you're not an isolated separate self. You share your being with everyone. And you want to live that recognition in intimate relationship in family and friends with colleagues with with with neighbors with strangers and and and so on. Um and then then to go on to the second part of your question. Um so you feel insecure and I think you say shameful and in relationship and this um interferes with your ability to have intimate relationship. Um so h how how does this the understanding we speak of here how does that help in this situation? It's because you you're not this insecure, shameful, fearful self. You're you're the you're the self behind that, so to speak, which is at peace, that lacks nothing, that doesn't need somebody else's approval, that is not ashamed of itself, that is quietly confident without being arrogant or boastful. So the the more you stand as that rather than standing as an insecure, shameful fearful self that needs approval and recognition and so on. The more you stand as that, that the more you'll act from that in relationship. You won't approach um a potential partner from a place of insecurity or need or fear or shame or guilt or you won't need recognition or approval or you you'll approach them. You'll relate to them from a place of from a place of peace in yourself, a place of quiet confidence, a place of clarity and a place above all where you don't need anything. That's the most important thing that that you don't approach someone a potential companion from a place of need. If you do and you end up getting together with that person that that this neediness in you will will be somehow implicit in the rel it'll become part of the DNA of your relationship and it will it will spoil it later on. So this understanding helps profoundly with well with all aspects of of of life but but you're asking about intimate relationship. So but but especially with intimate relationship because you don't want to start a we all know what a a relationship between two egos feels like and we all know how how those relationships develop. I don't need to describe that. You don't want that kind of a relationship. You want a deeper, truer, more intimate relationship. So you have to start it not from the basis of being a separate self that is um anxious and and ashamed and and needing recognition and and and and above all needy, lacking something. You want to start the relationship from a place of fullness in your soul, a place of peace, a place from I'm totally okay on my own. So the subliminal message you're sending the other person is I don't need you. I don't want to enter I don't I don't want to enter into this relationship and use you to fulfill my needs because if if I do the moment you do something I don't like and in in other words in as long as soon as you cease fulfilling my needs I'm going to start disliking you and I'm going to criticize you and and it's a so to start a relationship from a place of need is a recipe for for conflict. So you want to come back to yourself, recognize you to feel your your in your your your fullness, your your sufficiency. You're you're okay on your own. You're completely you still long to have a relationship. It's still fine to long to have a relationship. But that longing doesn't come from a sense of lack. It comes from a kind of over overflowing of of peace and and and love. and you want to share that with someone and celebrate it and explore it. And so am I answering your question? Does that give you a >> Yes, you are answering my question. >> And um I think I can speak on behalf of men or or but but I think I think it's this is true for everyone. Um I think it's true for a woman too that that it If you if you meet someone that has this kind of quiet confidence in themsself, not in a boastful way, but just this quiet confidence, the this stability, this peace, this um absence of neediness, absence of clinginess. It's so attractive because because you recognize in in in in such a person you you recognize the potential for for for so much depth in the relationship in such a person. When you come across a person like that you you can feel a relationship with this person would not be it wouldn't be based on need. It it wouldn't be a transactional relationship. It it would be this could be a truly loving relationship where that was not needy and manipulative and and that's very attractive. >> I also have a follow-up question. >> Yes. >> Um also the other day again in response to Birkit's question, I guess we're thinking on the same wavelength. You said um when you do have this overflow of energy, channeling channel it into a a relationship, b an activity, and I was wondering if you could elaborate further on the relationship aspect that you mentioned. Um well I was speaking of um intimate relationship a companion a partner that that you know intimate relationship it's so for for many people it's such an important part of life that you really want ideally your your your relationship to be based on this understanding which doesn't mean to say that your partner has to um come to these retreats If you want to all read the same books that you or uh be interested in the same tradition, I don't mean that. I don't mean it as literally as that. But you want um your relation the the the foundation of your relationship should be this understanding. I I don't mean this I don't mean my particular expression of the understanding. There are many other legitimate expressions of the understanding we speak of here. And it may not be quite as formulated as we have here. That's also it's not necessary. Plenty of people, you know, have a deep intuitive sense of what we have here, but don't cultivate it as directly and as explicitly as we do. That that's also okay. Um but but you you want you want your relationship to be founded on this um the first the first law of reality namely the the law of unity the principle of unity the fact that you share your being with each other that that will give the relationship the best possible chance. It doesn't mean to say that uh two people that have a deep interest in these matters will necessarily get on well together in intimate relationship. Not at all. But it will give your relationship the best chance of being a truly loving, creative um affectionate relationship without conflict. and and and then of course when conflicts do arise you you have the the right tools at your disposal to explore them and dissolve them rather than the conflict deepening and um gradually separating you. >> Thank you.