Three Daily Questions to Transform Your Life

someone who's listening that [music] is feeling unmotivated, bad about themselves, in a rut, but they want to start the new year fresh, [music] and they don't know where to start. >> Well, the first thing is not to have some New Year's resolutions, because 80% of people break those within the first two weeks, and that'll just make you feel worse about yourself. But that's not to say you don't want to have something you're going to go for. I would tell people the first thing you have to do is increase your energy. The lower your energy, the less your intellect, your spirit, your soul is engaged. You know, it's like plugging into a computer. If you have the most powerful computer in the world, you don't plug it in, you don't have any power. Think about it. When you feel great, you treat people better. You perform at a higher level. When you feel terrible, you treat yourself poorly, much less other people. So energy is the first base of it. But I think it's also most people feel bad because they have expectations about where they are versus where they should be. [music] And everybody has a different and unique path. So we judge ourselves too soon. But what you have to do to go take back control of your life is stop comparing yourself. And that's so hard in the world of social media. And it's probably harder for women than it is for men. I know it is cuz all the studies show that women more time they spend on social media, young girls and women judge themselves so harshly because we have these ridiculous visuals that every woman is supposedly supposed to be, which has nothing to do with health or vitality or individuality whatsoever. So how do you get out of that? To me, the real secret is you have to take control and stop trying to control everything. There's two worlds that basically you have to master. We all know it. There's an outside world and an inside world. Our culture reinforces the outside world at the expense of the internal world. That's why there's so much quote mental [music] health problems cuz when we get in our minds, we have all these judgments. We have all these expectations. But the secret is you can't control the external world, right? You know, I hear people sometimes say, you know, my answer is just let people have their own opinions. And I think, how egotistical is that? They're going to have their own opinions whether you let them or not. You have no power over it. Ego is just fear. We're all afraid we're not enough at times. And when we feel those feelings, we judge ourselves and we judge others and it creates harshness. But there's an internal world that we can master that we do have control over. And the way we control it, if I may share with you, is I think there's three decisions that everyone listening right now could test out. And those three decisions we're making every moment of our life, but we're not always making them consciously. That's the problem. So if you're not making them consciously, you're making them habitually, meaning at a subconscious level, which means you keep living the same problems over and over again. What are those three decisions? Decision one is what are you going to focus on? Your entire life is controlled by what you focus on. What you focus on is what you feel. What you focus on is what you experience, not reality. So, have you ever had an experience, either one of you, where [music] you thought somebody did something and they were like, you thought a good friend and someone told you something and you thought they took advantage or did something terrible and you got upset, reasonably upset and then you go to see this person, you find out it wasn't even true. Have you ever had that situation? >> With my husband all the time, I [laughter] >> Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. >> He's not happening right now. [laughter] >> You never know. So, so the truth is when you do that, you feel terrible, but it's because whatever you focused on was real to you. >> Yeah. >> Focus equals reality to the individual, even though it's not reality in actuality. Or a simpler way to say it is focus is feelings. And the quality of your life is where you live emotionally. If you got a billion dollars or you have three beautiful children, a husband or wife that totally adores you, but every day you focus on what to worry about or you focus on what's not right or what's missing, you're going to be a very unhappy person. It doesn't matter what you have. What matters is where you focus. Now, I'll walk through in a second the three decisions you can make about focus. It can change your life. But the second decision, once you focus on something, our brain immediately makes another decision. And if you don't take control of it, it's unconscious. So, it's the same. What does this mean? Is this the end or the beginning? Is this person dissing me? Are they challenging me? Are they coaching me? Are they loving me? Whatever meaning you give it instantly changes your emotion and the quality of your life is where you live emotionally. >> Is this why two people can have the same trauma and I've heard you give this example, but they can have completely different outcomes because of the meaning. >> Because of the meaning and because what they focus on both of those together like you can focus what's wrong is always available. >> Sure. >> So is what's right. I'm not talking about positive thinking about being intelligent. But the meanings, if you think this is the end of a relationship, are you going to behave the same way as you think it's the beginning of a relationship? No way. I often tell people if you don't want this to be the end of relationship, pretend and act like it's the beginning of relationship. There won't be an end, right? Cuz people behave radically differently. So meaning equals emotion. Emotions your life. What's the third decision? Well, once you have an emotion, it controls your decision-m. So if this meaning is makes you angry, the meaning makes you playful, obviously what to do is going to be a different answer based on the emotion. So those three decisions control your whole life. And I'll give you some practical examples for the people that are listening right now or watching I guess. Um I'd like to have you all answer for yourself and ask you both as well if I may. Uh what do you tend to focus on more? What you have or what's missing? And before you answer, what do you think most people's answer is? And then I'd love to hear your answer. >> Most people's answer >> Now we all focus on both, right? But which do you tend to focus on significantly more? >> Most people focus on what's missing. >> I I have trained myself to focus on what's more. I don't think that's a natural human state. >> You you are spot on. >> Okay. I've train I've I've learned a lot of books awake. [laughter] I mean I've read a lot of books. I've done a lot of tapes. I've I've tried to focus on what's better. >> Yes. >> I tell people all the time that listen or watch the show, we've been doing it close to a decade. And if you wa what I find interesting is if you look at the younger, not so much younger, but the younger versions of ourselves, we've been working on this process for close to 10 years now to train our brains to think this way cuz there's probably a time when you do focus on scarcity. We were talking about your money book a while and there was probably a time when I thought about money differently, but we've trained ourselves to to think that there is more and that there is abundance as opposed to scarce resources. >> You're both right because the tendency in the human brain is the survival mechanism. So you have a 2 million-y old brain and its focus is how do I anything that could be a threat, how do I avoid it? How do I freeze so it doesn't notice me? Or how do I run or how do I fight? Right? Those are your choices. And when you're in that survival brain, that's how people respond. And so most people, but it's not just people in survival. You know who is the most focused on what's missing? Overachievers. >> Yeah. >> And now there's an advantage. When you say what's missing, it's like, okay, I'm going to address it per se. But the problem is if you're constantly focused on what's missing, how will you ever sustain happiness? And the answer is you can't. Don't think about you. It's not you. I'm talking about software. [music] Your soul is a lot more than your software. People think of their mind as who they are. Your mind is not you. Your mind can't even allow you to enjoy an apple. It'll go is it organic? [laughter] Where is it going to go? So we have to understand the mind reduces things. But you and I can train ourselves to do this. And most people don't. And and by the way, you know, a situation like co can you imagine what that did to even people who usually focus on, you know, what's great. They felt like everything was missing. Everything was taken from them was outside their control. Which is why the highest levels of depression, overdose, etc. Now, [music] let me give you another one. Do you tend to focus I think I know your answer to this. Do you tend to focus more on, let's say, what you can control or what you can't control? What do you think most people say? What would you say? >> I Are you going to be honest here? Cuz I'm going to be honest. >> Wait, are you going to be honest? >> I'm going to be honest. I [laughter] I don't focus on anything. I >> starting to feel like Oprah right here between the two of you here. >> I focus on nothing. >> I brought you here for some couples therapy. [laughter] >> You got to be honest. >> No, no, no. I I have a I am I know I am hardwired to focus first on the things that I can't but I have I've done my damnedest over the years to train myself to focus on what I can control. That's been the exercise if I'm being super honest. I think I think most like building a muscle. >> Yeah. I and I catch myself now when I start focusing on things that I have no control over. Switching back to saying okay let me compartmentalize that. >> And how do you do that? So just cuz listeners might find that valuable. >> I do it by realizing that it's fruitless to think about things that I can't control and that all I can do is really set myself up to take on the things that I can. That's great. >> But I it's [music] it's not something that comes natural to me. I think we're all hardwired. Yes. >> Right. And and I probably follow a pattern of, you know, relatives that, [music] you know, maybe stress and overanalyze things. Not to pass any blame. I'm aware I'm aware of just like some of the the upbringing, some of the un Lauren calls it, what do you call it? >> Made of stress. >> No, I call it the saber-tooth tiger. He's always looking for the saber-tooth tiger. >> Yeah. And and I don't know if if you found this in your work if some people are more wired that way than others, like they more have >> Well, the majority are actually. You really have to retrain yourself because the human brain untrained tends to look for what's wrong and we have a negative bias is where it starts. That's why the media, you know, there nothing wrong with the media, but most of the media, we all know if it bleeds, it leads, right? Why is the media so negative? It's not the media negative. They're a business and their job is to take care of shareholders, not you. And so their job is to get as much attention as possible. And we all know it gets attention is something that's going to upset you faster than something that makes you feel good. Right? That's why there are very few feel-good stories. reason there's so much pain. So that's the tendency. Now, what about for you? >> I noticed that when I focus on what I can't control, it's first thing [music] in the morning. >> Interesting. >> And so what I >> is that because you have two young children like I do. I have one. >> I think you just wake up in the morning and your brain wants to go all these weird places. >> Okay. >> So I try to wake up now and and push that out with what I'm grateful for. But it's a practice. >> Tell me if you if you think this is the wrong analysis and and who better to ask. I imagine most people are wired to think that way and have not done much of a job to train themselves to snap out of it and start focusing on what they like. For me, when I look when you ask that question, I'm like, "Oh, well, it's a constant exercise of recognizing when I'm thinking that way and snapping myself out of that pattern." >> So the the problem for you right now is it still requires your conscious attention >> versus developing a new habit, right? A new way of being, a new immersion. So right now, as long as you're doing what you're doing, it's a battle. [music] Uh-huh. >> But when you change the conditioning, it'll just be automatic.