Tony Robbins: Live Intervention on the Fear of Not Being Enough

do you know what the number one fear is for human beings all over the Earth because I've I've worked in every country in the world the number one fear is of people is that they're not enough how's it feel like if you're not enough for the one you crave and love it's devastating is it not but that leads to the deeper fear the deeper fear is if I'm not enough I won't be loved and love is the oxygen of life yes ma'am right here stand up give her hand yes ma'am in the blue give it up for what's your name where you from uh my name is Debbie and I live in Los Angeles I'm from Arkansas though give her a hand from La so so Debbie tell us what what did you learn out of this that's a breakthrough for you what were your old emotions that dominated your life I struggled with this a lot um I have a lot of emotions so I've realized the ones that I probably live in most of my day to-day world good um I guess my most empowering emotions would probably be love and joy and strength right um I do believe that there's a lot of love that I give to those around me and I'm I'm strong and I'm noticed as that but it's also the the part that is disempowering internally ly for me when it comes to giving that love and and being the strength for those around me so it's been kind of a push and pull in my life because I've got a lot to take care of but I've also know that the love and joy is what I need to make me I'm constantly pouring out all this stuff because by the way because it's my identity to do so yeah yeah yeah it's not just something I do it's my identity identity means this is who I am right that's different than what I do but who I am will control what I do if you your identity just as a metaphor was think of your identity as like a temperature in this room if I set the temperature in this room at 72 de and it drops suddenly to let's say 68 67 65 eventually who knows what's going to happen the computer is used to your comfort zone that's what she said she set the comfort zone that I'm the person always giving I'm the one loving I'm the one strengthening that's how she built her identity that makes her feel good about herself but then conversely if she's always doing that it's like I did with my sons and it's like when I needed some help well like you know you're fine right because I taught them I was that way and then it felt like wait a sec I'm Still Human but I created that because that was what I needed to do is I always needed to be the person who helped always had to be the person that gave I never wanted to take yeah right takers are horrible people I'm not one of those so when I had no money I would take people out and then i' like I'd pay for lunch and I'd have like a salad or a nice tea and said I had already eaten it was [ __ ] I just couldn't afford it I was like as they calculated [ __ ] I shrunk my meal down to nothing and most of my life was that way until one day I realized I didn't need to sacrifice to be worthy of love that was my model sacrifice sound familiar sound so it's her identity do you understand the difference so if you set that thing at 68 degrees 72 degrees drops to 68 66 65 eventually the computer goes hey hey hey you're a 72 degre what the hell are you doing down here and you feel pressure because it's not good enough to make it better who's been through this experience somewhere in your life say I but it also by the way happens on the other end if you think you're a 72 degre or that 72 degrees is what you're not what you want in a relationship it's your home it's what you're used to you're used to always being The Giver you've identified yourself as The Giver so you will attract usually a taker and they're not a bad person it's just you invited them in and I used to do that I used to give and give and give and eventually be like do I show up in this thing anywhere right but then I had to realize I picked these people I'm the culprit not them I'm the culprit because my identity required that so but by the way if you think you're a 72 degre or that represents your body a certain way not your ideal just what you're used to your home that's your level of Happiness you're used to or so so that's your level of intimacy that's your level of connection to God whatever it is financials you want more but people don't usually get what they want they get what they absolutely need and what they need is their identity so what happens is now let's say you do better than you expect you go from 72 to 74 to 78 to 88 to 90 92 90 degrees what happens something inside your brain goes hey hey hey the hell you doing up here you're a 72 deger you're going to fry up here and now you begin to air conditioners kick on and bring you back where you used to be or you start to sabotage things until all of a sudden you're back where you were it's not where you want to be it's home it's what you're used to raise your hand if you can follow that it happens on both sides so the way we got to expand so the change last and that's what's going to happen here because also one of the fastest way to change your identity is change the way you move the way you use your voice that's where we're going to do all this radical stuff that seems weird or crazy or silly but if we expand the realm of that it'll be easy to expand our identity when people don't do they go I can't do that I'm not one of those people well when did you decide who you were like were you 12 or 20 or 30 like most of you in this room would never use a phone from 10 years ago you think I it's an idiot would do that we upgrade every year but we don't always upgrade our identity and so it limits where we stand so that's the Trap she gets in so the downside emotions Debbie are what um I have a lot of guilt I I live in guilt and I know it sounds ridiculous I'm almost embarrassed to say it but I'm being vulnerable that's beautiful give her a hand for her honesty that's beautiful yes I live I I I live in the guilt of of feeling as if I'm not doing enough for what my capability is because I I know I have the strength and and and I know what I'm capable of when that kicks in I go back into the guilt and then I start feel lonely depressed anxiety and I'm no good for those around me that actually do need me and how do you I'm curious of one thing though you're very resilient aren't you Debbie you're very yes because that's part of our identity as well so I go these shitty places but I eventually get out of it how do you get yourself out of it when you do I'm curious how you do I don't know that I want to be proud of this moment you don't need to be proud just tell us what you do I got to go for a walk I got to go for a run I got to get away from others I got to get in my own head and reset and but by the way she said she's going to get in her head but everything she just said was physical did y'all hear that she goes for a radical change in her what physiology that's why it works and then when she's in a better State she can handle her head but she does it physically she calls it getting into her head it's not getting your head actually get in your head you're dead write that one down that's true that's usually what messes you up because your head is always constantly reducing things to nothingness good bad right wrong and life isn't that but it reduces things it distorts deletes and generaliz that's what the Mind does not your heart not your soul not your spirit that's very different that's an expansive energy that's a different kind of feeling so she uses physiology and she thinks she shouldn't be proud of that I think You' be very proud of that cuz most people would go to a medication or alcohol or drugs which don't work give her hand very nice a beautiful [Music] job yes but I agree there besides being able to do that what if we broke the pattern earlier so it doesn't get so notice it starts to create this trigger of a series of negative emotions how many you have something like this something happens that triggers multiple things and then you're in a really lousy pace and it makes it hard to have a great relationship or be a great parent or be a great business person in this place so she's resilient and committed so she finds it out but she's doing what I call a crazy eight she goes to a set of emotions to make her feel more sad and more alone and more separate and guilty and so forth and they make her feel inferior and she does that for a while as a punishment to herself but then her brain's like want to feel this way so she starts to get angry and pissed off and frustrated and then she exhausts that and it gets a little sad again until it works its way down how accurate am I in my description of what you go through on you must be you know somewhere in my head I don't know how that's working but we all have these Crazy Eights and some people exit it by eating some by a big work project some by spending time with somebody love but we tend to go back and forth and the reason is like if you're with somebody and they're crying uncontrollably and you have no skill and you just stay present with them that's all you do eventually they're going to stop crying because their nervous system gets tired of being in that state it meets some needs to cry but what's interesting is she eventually exhausts that emotion so then she goes to the opposite that meets some other needs she has when she feels angry and pissed off she feels more certain and more significant she doesn't like feeling ins significant and uncertain but you get angry too long your nervous system can't handle it like even happiness how many of you ever smiled so much your face hurt we need Variety in our nervous system but what she really needs is a more powerful emotion that would circumvent this so what's the new emotion Debbie that you've brought up and one or two that you think could change all of this I think that I really just need to focus on the gratitude that I do have and I do have and I know that a lot of us all say it and talk about gratitude really looking at your own gifts from within all of us have a gift and discovering what that gift is and I've been part of this program since dat with Destiny and if we would have talked in December I would not be answering this the same way but I I really need to focus on the gratitude that I have within so that I can guide others with the strength that I do have that is part of my gift yes and tap into that gift to be able to give to others which in the end will give me the Fulfillment I think that I need very [Applause] nice [Applause] face yes so let's do this show me the state of what would you say the most negative state is you had two of them the primary ones guilt and what was the other one um guilt and anxiety anxiety okay they they kind of go together for you don't they so demonstrate guilt for us what do you do with your body when you're feeling guilty think of a time when you started feeling guilty I just I I I tense I look away I I don't talk to anybody there's no picking T I look away it's like yeah a little bit no smiling no no eye contact what happens to your breathing oh non-existent non-existent which creates a little bit of anxiety when you don't get any Oxygen just give you sense right just doesn't happen so there's all this tension there's no release and it gets stronger and stronger and stronger okay show us real gratitude by the way when she says real gratitude she doesn't mean just saying [ __ ] she means thinking putting myself in the state as if I was there feeling this and connecting to that feeling that's different than just saying it so show us what gratitude looks like in your body go ahead and do real gratitude gratitude for me I believe in a higher power so how many see the change in her right now already before she even tells us raise your hand you see WR in the world and I can just focus on no matter what goes on doesn't matter disaster doesn't matter little things in life when I remember my higher power that is what grounds me and so when I can live within that state I'm I am I can conquer whatever I want in L how do you feel when you're in that gratitude St I feel light I feel like somebody took the weight off of the back that I've been carrying for a while we put that weight on the back --- and we all have had mothers and fathers whether you knew them or not doesn't matter you still have some idea of what was the expected so whose love did you crave the most you may have loved them both equally but whose love did you crave the most your mother or your father I'm only answering her this question it's it can some of you may answer it which one it was both it was both okay great but who's it was really unique it was both okay and which one do you think was just a little bit more my father Yes it was both my father okay so this is how she tries to rationalize [ __ ] in her life right okay so here's my question if I may who did you have to be for your father and I don't want you to think I want just instantly what comes out who did you need to be in order to have his attention or respect what kind of person did you have to be how did you have to act how did you have to be first reaction try not to think just give me answers there's no good or bad just tell me strong that's right who else did you have to be I had to be resilient resilient I had to be no excuses there's just move on no excuses just move on right how many of those things are you today all of them that's right who could you never be for your father I could never be what I could never act like how we weak what else could you never be for your father I know can never be weak you can never be just first thing pops in your head he died too young so I can't remember I understand however even if you'd never met your father and it was the source you'd crave because he wasn't there or he was but he wasn't there while he was here or he was the hardest to plee that would make you crave it more if you didn't know him very long and they died you still have a belief that you gathered from the impressions of the people around you Who You'd need to be to have that person's love or respect and it still influences her today 20 years later 25 years old take that so I want you to notice decades later it's still affecting her how many years ago did he pass away he died 1991 I was 17 okay I'm sorry to hear you lost him but so he's gone but you still have an impression of who you need to be I'm very much like him it's crazy the older I get the more I become but he was actually an amazing man let beautiful so she has tremendous respect for him her source of Love is still to Crave him even though he's not there and so she's trying to prove that she's those things they just only one challenge he wanted all the best for her and so as a masculine man he made her as masculine as possible as opposed to showing how to meet the same needs and still use masculine and feminine or lead with feminine now all of us are born with masculine energy whether you're man or woman you have it in you all of us are born with feminine energy whether you're a man or woman you have it in you and we have a primary set of identity emotions that we're born with there's some people that are wired differently obviously but most people have a primary one the only problem is we get conditioned when you're born you can be what your brand new baby what can you do anything anything and you're still loved because your parents are still high on drugs the Drug's called oxytocin it's a drug that all parents get but mothers get tenfold that's why fathers can leave Healthy Mothers can't if the mother left or gave their baby up because their biochemistry was messed up they can't otherwise it's literally that powerful if you ever seen a mother didn't think their baby girl or boy was beautiful even though they had no teeth and were farting and [ __ ] coming out of them that's drugs but it doesn't last forever right so her father being a caring father was like I know what made it work for me I became stronger than that [ __ ] I push it I'll take the burden I'll take the strap I'll push through nothing will stop me true true so he's like I'm going to give that to my baby girl so he pushed her like crazy and that was how she earned his love and now he's gone and she's still doing it but what he didn't understand because he was male is she's wired female which means she can use all those things that he did she still does they're fantas fantastic but the reason she's not happy is because there's times when she doesn't feel like she wants to be carrying the shoulders she doesn't want to have to be the one to solve it all she wants to actually let go and be feminine and so a part of her being is unnurtured how many follow this right and it's a critical part of her being most of our cultures taught women that masculinity is more powerful than femininity which is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life there's no question feminine true feminine energy not fake manipulated feminine energy has more power than masculine energy always has it's also true that throughout human ages for centuries immature masculine abused feminine immature masculine would never abuse you mature masculine would give their life for you if you looked at human history from most of human history both sides are willing to risk their life the men went out to risk their lives to capture fight off the bear or the saber-tooth tiger whatever it was bring back the food and the women sacrificed their lives to see if they could have children for the species and for the family and went out look for berries and [ __ ] and they learned historically do deal with things differently the women learned to talk constantly no they did do you know why if you're going out in the environment you don't want an animal to be surprised by making noises there are worn men learn to shut up cuz when you're hunting something one sound and you lose what's going on then we evolved to where women didn't need men for support and so the world changed and most of society said if you're a woman you need power become masculine but you'll notice most women who use masculine as their Source unless they truly are masculine and many are they're miserable because she's living her father's life not her own and yet she loves and respects her father and I do too and those qualities she just describes she's not to give up but if they're the primary only qualities then the feminine side can never come out and be alive that's what she's missing so when you picked your new emotions and you go to a higher power for those who believe in a higher power that's like it's no longer me it's something more than myself it's guided now she trusts that's a feminine quality yeah the masculine quality has to do it the feminine Quality Trust I have both of them welldeveloped in me that's why I can work with people on both sides I can cry at the drop of a hat especially when somebody does the right thing I can't control it I tears pour out of me something about that just moves me and I can rip up on building for 12 hours so I have both those qualities so I can use them to connect so the goal is not to be one or another I'm trying to say women should be a certain way men are that's sucking [ __ ] we all know that's [ __ ] but we have to know what our primary source is and to realize your primary source of love has built your model of the world the love you craved has shaped the way you live and if you wake up now and say I honor that but I need to decide who I am today because when you're a little baby you could be anything but then gradually you learn whether it's true or not you begin to believe I need to behave a certain way act a certain way be a certain way to be worthy of their significant love and so you start adapting and if you're not doing it you feel pressure inside because the pressure is losing love do you know what the number one fear is for human beings all over the Earth because I've I've worked in every country in the world the number one is of people is that they're not enough how does it feel like if you're not enough for the one you crave and love it's devastating is it not but that leads to the deeper fear the deeper fear is if I'm not enough I won't be loved and love is the oxygen of life it's where if if a baby's not physically cressed in love doctors nurses in the room what happens it's called failure to thrive they die we're the only animals on the planet that if you don't touch and love them in the beginning they die in the rest of our lives we want it but we don't want the hurt that comes cuz when you were born what' you have to do to be loved nothing you could [ __ ] all over your mother green [ __ ] she still loved you spit [ __ ] up vomit knock your plate aside she still loves you CU she's full of oxytocin but there's a day when that [ __ ] wears out and then for the first time fear enters your body because all of a sudden you did the same thing said the same things but now you get yelled at or smacked or what's worse than yelled out and smacked anyone know what's worse ignored and that's when fear entered your body and some people's response to fear was and they I I and they try to do something to be worthy and all of a sudden Mary gets up Susie gets up Debbie gets up and she's she's what walking for the first time Debbie's walking oh my God everybody look Debbie oh debie Debbie she's jer jer and guess what you learn the rest of your life I got to keep achieving so I'm enough and I'm loved but the truth is in our society when you achieve a lot people usually resent you it's weird because we' begin to overvalue a need called significance because of social media where if you're doing well maybe I'm not doing as well you might think they're just equal equ to you but they don't think so so now they're mad and they want to take you down that's what our society's become unfortunately just overvaluing a need but the point of the matter is she's no longer Debbie she's no longer open she's had it become a certain way she believes and she's complying with it because she doesn't she goes into fear to fear that she would miss that love from her father it's unconscious but what if there was the ability to honor your father and simultaneously have the feminine side of you come out I would tell you the first thing you'll notice ladies when you're becoming masculine is you tighten things it's a protection Titan that's what men do that's why they can't dance for [ __ ] women flow and move but for her there's so much tension in nervous system because she's operating in her masculine most of the time by the way our society teaches women under stress to become more masculine and men under stress become more feminine more pleasing whatever you want fine whatever you do which then by the way pisses off the woman you go she wants me to please her but she doesn't want to me to be a pleaser what does that mean men are totally confused ladies how many of you can't stand a guy that's constantly trying to please you make some noise ladies and G there how many of you ladies can't stand a man that can't make a decision Make some noise of course when he makes it you tell him you're wrong right ladies how many of you can't stand a man who takes more time to get ready than you that's how he feels when you tell him about your day so she's operating in one mode and she's multi mode she doesn't need to be feminine all the time but she can't be masculine a time what do you think you are primarily inside Debbie masculine or feminine I actually think that I am feminine side I really am I one more piece to the story is my mother always praised the fact that I was masculine so I had a double encouragement to be look at her she can do this and she's done this and she does this and and sometimes I just would rather be you know just not not and understand it's crazy but if you're not then you're nobody I tell a lot of my single friends that are divorced and I really need to go get a job and this be careful what you wish for you got to be ready where it's not just about getting back on the horse and making money it's got to be from when within and yeah I'm grateful that I and never thought I'd pay for my kids college I didn't think I'd be able to afford to as a single mother yes but guess what when it comes to feminine I am feminine inside and I love nothing more than to have that by the way how many see how smooth her face and muscles become when she talks about --- now if you look around the room out of 12,000 people there's about six and one is a how old are you sir one's an 11-year-old boy ladies if you felt unsafe sometime in the last month raise your hand keep your hands up look around this room it's 90% of the women in this room now men don't understand this see I don't worry if I'm walking down to pick up my car underground in a place I'm six or seven and I've been in plenty of fights and have people bring a gun to me and I've also trained myself how to deal with all those things I have zero fear it's not ego it's just I'm well trained I know what to do it's unlikely to happen if it does it will I'm ready but would I let my wife go downstairs by herself underground to get her car no way and why she's merciless she's fear if they just kidnap her I know they'll send her back she will torture the people she's as feminine as day as long but she got more masculinity than most men I know she's got both qualities one of the reasons why such a great love but the truth is I'd never put her in that situation and I know if she was in that situation her Spidey senses are going crazy because women have been prey most of their life and the thing that's hurt the most has been a undeveloped man having false masculinity false me immature masculin I'm going to control you I'm going to direct you now by the way that can be fun in a certain context having someone control and direct for some people right it's nice for variety and a change and so forth okay notice that the feminine her there that's part of how you'll know which one is primary you are you the one that wants to take or be taken thank you ma'am she had no difficulty sharing that so my point of the matter is I want you to get this is I'm not telling you to be one or the other but you got to see what your primary is and it's got to be part of your daily life or you will not be fulfilled she can do anything a man can do I've I've had women that the number one in the world better than any man at something I won't mention the names to give them their own privacy famous as could be if I mention the name you know who they are made more money than did every and miserable on every anti depressing you can imagine because it's hard to love yourself when you're not being yourself when you're being yourself it's easy to love yourself but if you don't think being yourself would be loved and your mom did that too I'm sure because she admired those qualities in your father right so it's like my baby girl is going to be strong right so all you got was reinforcement from it until you got out in the world and you were reinforced for it to an extent but then you realize there's a limit to what this gives back because it isn't fulfilling my soul my spirit the way I'm actually wired as a human being so I want you to notice we're playing three-dimensional chess with our lives here and this seems really complex but if you want to really have the quality of life you deserve we got to upgrade your emotional piece but we also got to notice what's driving it and everyone in this room who he the love you crave most was your mother who hear the love you crave most was your father interesting more fathers in this room and what did you have to be to have your mother or Father's Love the one you craved how did you have to be how did you have to act how did you have to behave and who could you never be for that person how could you never Act M and are you mostly those things today how many are you mostly those things today that you need to be raise your hand nice and eye and look around the room it's the dominant thing that drives your life so it's time to update our model of the world remember I said there's two things here there's our state which we change that it changes everything but our model world is our beliefs we're going to do both here I'm just giving you the range of what we're doing we'll start with just coming up with these emotions now she can just change to this new emotion you saw it worked she softened everything happened so that's her first step to doing this but the next step might be an expansion of her identity to man I can be tough as nails and I can be as soft as whatever the right metaphor is and I deserve to have that softness and I deserve to not have to hold everything up and I deserve to let this woman in me be free and what you'll discover is truly masculine men when a woman is hurting or in pain men gravitate to that woman I don't care how old she is she could be an older woman whatever they gravitate they're pulled to vulnerability but here's the problem decades ago the world changed it used to be very clear roles these guys did this these women's did that it worked a certain way you risk your life and in the beginning by the way who was dominant in control who had the most power was female and I'll prove it to you how many of you men out there when you were in junior high school or high school there was a girl you absolutely were adored wanted to be with wanted to connect with and you felt you weren't enough because you knew she was going to be dating a what guy older or younger quick older what which one older and what did he have that you didn't have what was it car that's right a car resources money if you were genetic duplicates in the culture she's the prettiest you're the most handsome she had the power you still paid you still had to walk across and ask you had to take all the risk you had to do everything and it was very likely that a man with more resources older more resources you had no chance against and every man knows that so our capacity to transform Our Lives comes when we use use more of our capacity of who we are not just one part that was basically directed as our model of the World by our interpretation of our the parent whose love we suffer or we we wanted the most and if you never knew them it could be an uncle or an aunt or grandfather that was a source of love but somebody's love you craved so I'm offering you the a chance to upgrade your home but even more importantly upgrade your identity and expand the ways you can be fulfilled so you're not stuck cuz all that tension how many notice the amount of tension here body it you could see it in the beginning when she was talking and moving all that stuff all that tension comes from only using a part of who she is do you want to say something my love oh hi honey I'm I'm hi everybody I'm the one that this is Sage Robins ladies and gentlemen hello love to speak with you Hi how are you I'm really good it's beautiful to see you and watch you how many women in the room can relate to Debbie yes oh yes I just want you to know that you're not alone and isn't it interesting and this is for all the women in the room that as women are rising on the world stage it's How We rise you know there's the masculine Wing CU we all have masculine and feminine gen as as Tony's U mentioned but it's like the feminine as a whole is undervalued and it isn't just men or society that are undervaluing women it's us do you hear that yes yes and so or women are overvaluing masculine energy yes within themselves within themselves and within each other isn't it absurd that our state of being that our vulnerability that our love that our kindness that our softness that our like Artistry to be a woman like to the feminine in all of life it's artistic it's nuanced it's captivating it's mysterious and there is nothing more decimating or more powerful than a woman who's connected to both energies yeah and I see that in you I see that it's in all of us and a lot of times in the doing of life and the busyness of life and the responsibility of life we disconnect and so this about tuning in and for the women in this room tune into her feel her experience her because to miss that other half is a Miss inside of ourselves we hold a power and that power is our capacity to love that is our truest power and as we allow that to extend as we allow that to emit this world changes this world heals and the world arounds us heals so I see you you're lovely and to every woman in this room claim her claim her connect to her God bless you I thank you thank you [Applause] [Music] yes by the way the feminine comes out and expands by Praise so gentlemen if you see go back and you see your woman you're just too masculine that's the stupidest thing you could have ever said in your life I don't want you leaving doing that [ __ ] that show was to idiocy you got to find the little things and praise them women's feminine responds to praise I learn to notice the earrings I learn to notice the shoes I learned how much they mean to women a woman come out a one shoe she's a different woman she puts on another shoes she's another woman if you don't notice which woman's in front of you she feels unnoticed unheard unseen and then she'll turn to her masculine out of frustration yes right so gentlemen You Want To Praise l You Want To Praise yourself and praise each other most women judge other feminine women I didn't learn it till I married my wife and saw so many women now my wife is a lover of women as you could probably tell and Man All Humans but what would be amazing is how many women would be so mean to her because she's an attractive woman and she actually loves women she wants them to shine she's not trying to shine herself so women are not good with other women I how many women would agree women are worse with women than they are are with men so ladies it's time to like reconnect to that within yourself and then you won't do it with others by the way gentlemen masculinity grows with challenge right that's why men are always preparing thems for the world or their kids or their boys by doing what your father did with you pushing them I don't care what you go through you step back up I was tough get up again right I'm very different with my daughters than with my sons seems totally unfair but it's true like it's like I want them nurtured I want them strengthened I'm constantly challenging my boys now I nurture them as well but I've been challenging them to make them men so you know if you say to a woman why are you so masculine that brings out masculinity you're the one creating it but if you can catch all the Finer Things and praise the feminine you'll see the feminine grow and by the way gentlemen what will make your m masculine grow you may feel it's there but if you're busy trying to please all the time and by the way women hate a pleaser yes they want to be pleased it's different for a woman is it true ladies Make Some Noise if it's true so these guys know it they can't stand a pleas them was always try to please them even though they want to be pleased they want to know they can trust you and one of the ways they can trust you is if you're pleasing all the time then you'll probably do that with someone else so so it's like can I be crazy and you still love me and not let me run over you is a test it's not a conscious test it's is women love to test they don't even know why they're doing it they do it because they've been pray their whole life they can't do it to you physically so they do it verbally they try to emasculate you and if you just accept it and fall apart she can't trust you and many men get worn out just by the number number of words that a woman uses cuz it's very different we're wired very differently but you can train yourself to be differently but what's most important women on wonder what are you thinking what are you feeling what's going on nothing when he says nothing that makes her angry CU she doesn't believe it because if a woman goes to a party she notices everything well Susie was there and Mary was there and she was wearing the shirt and she had to push up bra and then it's the yellow thing she's doing and I think those two are starting to have an attraction for you they notice every detail same guy goes the same party he has no clue so if she says that woman you went to that party what happened what was there and she goes yeah basically nothing that [ __ ] is hiding something yeah ladies raise your hand if it's true Make Some Noise if that's what you believe Make Some Noise however when a man says it's nothing cuz that's pretty much what h --- mething that's complimentary to the other that's a extraordinary somehow the art of how we relate between men and women has been lost it's a it's a gift it's powerful we're complimentary to one another not opposing and yes we can all do shitty things who's done shitty things both men and women yeah me too no you haven't yes if when we stop demonizing each other we start falling in love and experience ering one another we have the gift this Collective here to wake up to a greater truth in this human existence and the Miracle sitting next to you the miracle sitting within you that's the gift that's when it's so powerful and when we recognize oh my goodness like I have both energies inside of our inside of myself that's unbelievable and yet there's differences and those difference compliment those differences support it makes life more beautiful if if you understand that men and women come up with a different meanings for the same things then it won't be as painful so for example one thing that men and women look at radically different is problems for a man a problem is something you must immediately what gentlemen quick what Solve IT crush it destroy it and if you can't do that make it as small as you can make it and get away from it as long as you can true but for women a problem needs to be shared and expressed and go into deeper and fully felt together it problems are a way for women to connect ladies true or false so what happens is you then think the other side should be behaving a certain way because you think they're supposed to be like you and that's not what makes us happy what's makes us happy is these alternative energies being able to play together yeah but you have to be understand the meanings are different but all of them are coming from this initial conditioning because she has a model of the world that's directing her life moment to moment you can change your state but she tends to go back to this place and it creates tension because it's not what she truly wants but it's what she thinks she must be to be worthy of acknowledgement and love and is the oxygen of life so she goes back there so I'm offering you a possibility close your eyes for a moment if you don't mind and Debbie I'd like you to imagine your father's presence here can you ever feel that yes I imagine though that he knows a lot more now doesn't he he has a more expansive you he always loved you you feel that and so he thought the best thing he could do was turn you into a man and then you could be able to handle anything and he wouldn't have to worry there's some truth to some extent in that except it won't create a fulfilled life for a person who's primarily feminine you can still use those tools but thinking you have to be that to be worthy of Love is where all the pain is coming from so I want you to feel your father's presence and I want you to hear him now as he shares with you the deeper truth that he now understands how you can how you need to be most importantly how you can be hear his words see his face which is filled with love and notice is he love you because you're strong or do he try to teach you to be strong because he loved you that's very different that's a different human being did he love you because you were strong or out of his love that he try to teach you to be strong and now let him tell you what's true that he now understands what do you need to be what can you be you're the only person should have a conversation with someone like this whether they're alive or dead doesn't matter you can still have the conversation if you wanted to tell me what he says to you Debbie tell me how he heals you even as we speak what's the truth he reveals what's the truth that set you free it's a very different belief than you've had up until now hear it from his mouth and feel his presence and all the things you loved about him and still do and feel his love for you just the way you are tell me what does he say to you what's the truth does he want you to free be free is that part of his love for you has he told you what role he's played his real intent versus how got interpreted what do you see in his eyes what do you feel in his presence right now Debbie as he's there with you well what did he say to you and what did you feel he's he said I need to trust in myself that he's taught me everything yes that I need to know yes that it's my life now yes and that I I don't need more yes to prove anything anymore yes how would that feel to not have to prove anymore it's scary because I worry about other people and I don't know why I wish I could let it go but that's the serving in me where feminine you actually the worrying of other people looking out for them anticipating is a beautiful quality so that's probably never going to go but you could let go of having to be the one every moment having to be the one that shoulders it all without losing your identity by expanding your identity to one which there are times in which you'll crush it and there are times in which you want to let go let flow and Trust in higher power and yourself and know that everything is happening for a higher purpose and I that's what gets me through the dark times I will say when it gets really bad I get most people don't think I get depressed because I'm always happy most people think yeah but probably the closest ones around me know I do suffer but I do my best to get out of it yes and well you wouldn't have to get out of it though if we develop just a different core belief to start with raise your hand if you follow that if a core belief is I don't need to be masculine all the time I have that gift I can do it anytime I want it's hard to transition as a girl and I know heart is not a right word in your building oh no a heart's a great word my hard's a great word it's um you know it's it's just trying to see that path a little clear well that's because you haven't done much of it in the past right but whether it's hard do it hard if it's easy do it easy just still do it and one of the ways that happens is by nurturing the feminine you noticing and appreciating little things Hony Pearl can you give her three things she could do to bring out more of her feminine yes well the feminine is more experiential it's about becoming about allowing as we accept our different parts if you think of any just think of a benevolent mother what does she do she supports us she allows us she Embraces us she understands and so when we extend that to ourselves and recognize gosh you know we're all doing the best we can in this beautiful thing called life and The Feminine is meant to be discovered and experienced and connected to and so nourishing whether that's through running a bath and you know lighting candles and the senses and connecting there whether it's through movement and dance and expression whether it's through prayer and gratitude because it opens us and allows us to accept what is what life is on offering us and then there's this beautiful integration of both energies cuz we don't have to choose we don't have to choose it's just noticing noticing the grace to be alive noticing the grace of this moment Debbie all these beautiful souls loving you holding space for you CU as we hold space for you we're holding space for our yourselves and that's how the feminine is discovered it's in that spaciousness it's less in the doing and more about being more about being and you're so lovely you've captivated us all who can relate to Debbie male or female yes me too so maybe it's time to honor your father's current wishes rather than his old wishes yes what would happen if you did that cuz you're very committed to what your father's wishes are what does he wish for you now he wishes for me to follow my heart and follow that feminine side yes and even though he used to joke about always wanting a boy I have my own boy I have my son my only son he's here today where's your son and that's awesome we all know in this room how much I love Nico and in a weird way I kind of it was always a joke amongst my father where he would take me places he was like it's my little tom boy and even though I was a girly girl inside but but he always wanted a boy I had four children and he's my last and he's my only boy but he's here and so back to your question what is he speaking to me speak within to be I can still be part of him but be in my feminine yes give her a hand for that that's awesome and and to hopefully and and to live my life with abundance and to be full of love no one ever said they love me and I don't live in a guilt of he should have said he loved me I know he loved me but I never once was told I was loved no one ever hugged me I hug my kids I tell my kids every day I love them but I don't have a guilty of that well you don't have a guilty because because you won't let that happen one thing important for all us to remember is like everything else love is expressed completely different for different people right some people are Huggers and kissers I'm that kind of person as you probably notice because I have people connecting even here strangers and the begin it's weird as [ __ ] but some people are verbal some are physical and some are challenge driven some are directive but not all of us have the same love strategy so if you expected to be told and weren't told oh my God it can be so painful so what's beautiful is what you didn't get you make sure your family gets and by the way isn't how it should be every generation should be better yeah and we evolve we have all these judgments about past generations and how horrible they were even our founding fathers you're using What's called presentism the present values we've evaluated back to 100 or 200 years ago that's absurd that's dumb it's idiotic but as things evolve so does our model the world and if our model the world changes and evolves our stress will disappear if you're under stress your model the world is outdated and it's time to update a few beliefs or a few emotions and so for tonight here just beginning was looking a few emotions so what's the emotion though that still works now that we've got this one wrapped around your head which is the deeper one what's the emotion that immediately will eliminate all this [ __ ] the new emotion you're going to make dominant in your life my new emotion is my feminine side which bring out the love that I want to receive and give back yes which is what I need and and and you know it's something that you don't know because you've not done it long enough but if you paid attention come here for a second at all these incredible human beings that have given you their total L and presence here for about an hour look at them all look at them all holy [ __ ] what amazing people all the way to the top of the building look at all these people here take it in take it in [Music] oh one more time [Music] [Applause] go now where the most happiness or unhappiness shows up in people's life is relationships they think it's business and career obviously we don't take care of Health you're going to pay a price but the longest study in history about human well-being and happiness is done at Harvard it's 85 years old and they've been tracking people for 85 years to figure out what makes them happy and there's zero question the number one thing is Intimate Relationships intimate doesn't mean sexual the intimate means close intimate and most people in the world today claim they don't even have one person they can tell what they're really feeling to we have a crisis of people not feeling intimate even though we're the most quote connected we've ever been but we don't connect with vulnerability we put pictures out that aren't even us that we've altered to make beautiful or perfect and then people just feel less than but vulnerability pulls people and what I want her to see is if she's wondering how it's going to be if she's feminine and vulnerable she just had a demonstration that I can't honor you guys enough for cuz I only stayed with her because I believed we would be helping you too but that level of focus for that long with one person is incredibly generous and beautiful all of you I know you got value from it but give a [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music]