Peter Crone: Anxiety and Panic Attacks After Trauma

What is it like for you to walk around with the size of your heart to live in the prison that it's always your fault? What's that like? >> Suffering. >> Past hurt informs future fear. You do not fear the unknown. Why? Cuz you don't know what it is. How can you fear the unknown? What you're fearing is what your brain is superimposing on top of the unknown. So, what we want to do in this Finding Freedom podcast is to be able to help you discover why you're not free. >> That's been the million-dollar question. My biggest concern is that I'm just dealing with massive amounts of anxiety. It all began in uh 2019. A drunk driver hit me from behind. It was okay physically, but it left me mentally suffering for 3 years after that. Every single night was a panic attack and I feel like as if I I can't do normal things like normal people. That's just kind of like what I've been dealing with. >> How did you come across my work? >> Oh, this is a beautiful story. Uh >> okay. So, um it it kind of begins in 2019. I was in a severe car accident and um I used to work in the airlines and uh I was in charge of weight and balance of the airplanes. It's a very stressful job, you know, uh being in charge of that because if you're off by a few pounds, then uh that plane can potentially crash, everyone could die. And so for someone who's like 21, 22 at the time, extremely, you know, stressful just someone who's so young, still developing, you know. >> Yeah. And while doing that, it's when I started to encounter anxiety. So, I didn't know what anxiety was, >> you know? I just I was like, why am I feeling like this? >> Yeah. >> And um >> it all happened when this one flight like I can just never forget it. It was the first time I made a mistake. I was working a Honolulu flight and those flights are huge, man. I'm talking about you have 400 plus bags going on that flight, maybe 10,000 lbs of mail and freight as well. And every minute the plane stays at the gate, you get fined. Uh the airline gets fined and so I get in trouble for that cuz I'm the lead. >> So it's my job to ensure that that plane gets out on time and of course safely. What ends up happening then is that um I'm noticing that I can't find this piece of freight. I'm calling everyone. I'm calling the tower. I'm calling Low Desk. I'm calling Atlanta. or is that like which is the headquarters, right? I'm like, "Hey guys, do you guys know what this is? Is it important? Do we need to put it on or not? Can I skip it? Can we put on the next one? Cuz I'm running out of time here." >> I call my supervisor. My supervisor comes out. He's like, "Do you know what this is?" I was like, "No, I don't." He then tells me, he's like, "Hey, look, go on the headset and then just push the plane out." I push the plane out, forget about it. I then I'm commuting right back to get home and I'm in bumperto-bumper traffic. that that itself is already stressful, you know, because you're not moving. >> Yeah. >> And so then um I get a call and this is the scariest thing for anyone doing my job is to get a call from work because you never want to get that call that like your plane maybe crashed or something like that. >> Of course, >> that that right there would terrify me. The moment I got that call is when I first finally had anxiety or at least I was aware of anxiety. I had the heart racing and everything. I was like, "Hey, what's going on?" He was like, "Did you know that you had a a HR on that flight, which is a human remain supposed to go on board on the plane to where it was going to that person would be buried in Hawaii?" >> Okay. >> I was like, "No, I didn't. I asked. You were there, you know, like we did everything together. I didn't know what it was." And I called and everything. And then uh he told me, he was like, "Well, it was a HR on that flight and we're going to need to talk. Like when you come back tomorrow, we have to talk." And I'm sitting there bumper to bumper traffic scared like I don't know what the hell is happening here. Did the plane is the And I'm checking if the plane landed. I was like, "Okay, the plane landed." I'm like, "All right, cool. Everything's fine." >> Mhm. >> Um and so then after that, I remember I go home, go to sleep. I don't think much of it. I go back to work. I'm I'm sitting now with everybody. I'm talking about all the big shots are sitting with me, >> you know, and we're having a conversation here and I'm like, >> "Dude, like what the hell is going on right now?" They tried to pin it on me to give me a write up. Luckily, I I knew the rules and I was able to be okay, you know, and I didn't get the write up, but then I lost all confidence in myself to do that job, >> right? >> I started making more mistakes, but they were very minor, you know. Thankfully, nothing happened, but I kept catching myself double-checking my work, triple-checking my work. >> Yeah. >> And it it gave me too much anxiety. >> Mhm. Right. >> So, then after that happened, Right. And is when I started losing all confidence in myself. Yeah. >> And I noticed that every time I got on the freeway, >> I would get massive anxiety. >> Every single time I would have to call one of my parents. I'm like, "Hey, like not sure what's going on with me, but I don't feel good." >> Yeah. >> And um >> was this typically going to work? >> No, this was leaving. >> Leave. Oh, right. Because that's when you got the call. Yeah. Okay. >> Exactly. And so then I constantly kept checking my phone. It got to a point where um I had to talk to my supervisors and get demoted. And I told them I was like, "Hey, I need to be demoted. Like, I cannot do this job to the efficiency that you guys need me to do it >> and I do not want to jeopardize the lives of other people." >> And so, the best and smart thing to do is just to demote me. And so, >> after a constant um conversations uh back and forth, they didn't want to demote me. they they really liked the way I worked and how I got things done despite everything you know and you know I just told them it's just the thing I needed to do and so they did and uh you know after that happened uh things just kept kind of going downhill from there like that's when I got into a severe car accident. It's like I drew it to me, you know? >> Right. Of course. >> Out of nowhere, this guy driving a Fiat Spider. He's going 70 miles per hour, swerving lanes on the 405, bumper to bumper, and I split second see him. I'm like, a like in the moment I knew it was going to happen. He hit me going 70 miles from the back, went under my car, spinned me, then t-boned me, and then I'm facing the opposite way of traffic. Wow. >> And I was just like I I did a full spin on the freeway on a bumperto-bumper freeway. I didn't hit nobody, which is the crazy part. >> And I'm in the left lane. I'm in the far left lane. >> Yeah. >> Too. >> And so as that happened, I'm facing the other way and I I remember that my airbags on the side of my window come out and my head hits it and I'm gazed and I can't open my door to get out and I'm stuck. Thank God there was this guy who who out of everybody there stopped, got out the car, went into the passenger side of my door, opened it, and helped pull me out cuz I was stuck cuz of how hard he hit me. And I'm I'm a big guy. I'm 6'1. >> So like it's it's not that easy uh to kind of like get in and out of cars and stuff. But >> um >> so he pulls me out and I'm in pain on my shoulder >> and in my neck, but thankfully everything else I'm fine, you know, maybe a little bruises and stuff I'm okay. He pulls me out. Uh, the guy ends up taking off. He runs. He He gets out the car, runs, grabs his stuff, and just runs off the freeway. And I'm just sitting there >> car, but he's physically running. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the craziest thing, man. And, >> you know, the guy took me uh he took me out the car, put me in his car, and he was like, "Hey, man, don't worry. Like, we'll take care of this." I was like, "I don't even know this guy." And I was just like, man, this is like the first time I'm experiencing like pure kindness from a stranger, you know, like. And I was like, wow. >> He calls the ambulance, calls the cops, the cops find the guy, you know, and um and everything. And I'm sitting there, I'm getting checked up by paramedics. They're like, "Okay, like you seem like you're fine, but you should go get uh uh go get test done for like a concussion and stuff." So, I go I do that. My brother ends up coming to pick me up. But throughout that whole time, man, I felt as if I was trapped. I was alone, you know, because you're you're stuck on the freeway, bumper to bumper, rush hour traffic. Just felt completely like alone isolated. >> Yeah, >> it gets worse. So, >> we're getting That's okay. I appreciate your vulnerability. This is good. >> Yeah. No, it's fine. You know, I've I've kind of talked about this a little bit now where it's getting easier to talk about it now. >> Mhm. So then um I remember I go home and uh I I have a conversation with my mom and I'm telling her I was like hey like I can't do this anymore. Like I cannot physically work there anymore. >> Uh after everything that's happened to me. I was like I just I can't do it you know. And I remember her crying telling me not to let go of that job. And I told her, I was like, "I love you, but I gotta do what's best for me." >> Yeah. >> And so I had to deal with that guilt of leaving a job that I know it's gonna upset my mom. But I knew that I was just not capable of doing that anymore because of how demanding it was, stressful it was, and you know, I'm just a very young man at the time. >> Yeah. >> I don't know better, right? And so from May of 2019 till like March of 2020, every single night, not one night went by that I did not have a severe panic attack. >> Not one night at all. I could not sleep >> just at home. >> Just at home constantly. >> Um >> heart palpitations like my heart's about to like jump out of my chest every single night. Uh my stomach I would have stomach pains every single night. I would feel like I can't breathe every single night. And not once did I take any substance, any alcohol, any drugs, any prescription. They they prescribed me Xanax multiple times. I think I took it one time >> out of that whole whole period. >> Yeah. >> But other than that, did not take anything. I just fell through all that pain. And I don't know like I if I'm honest with you um and I I've talked to like therapists and stuff as well and I'm still in therapy like trying to deal with this issues and stuff like that. >> Yeah. >> They told me they're like they're all surprised that I'm still here cuz like to deal with that severity of that >> Yeah. >> every single day. >> Um it's like a testimony a testament to like the resilience I have. >> Yes. >> But at the same time it's it takes a toll on your body. Yeah. >> And so this is where I kind of stumbled across your work. This is the crazy part. So like my brother would always tell me, "Hey, you should watch Ed Mlet." I was like, "All right." So I started watching him and then out of nowhere, this is like the peak of this pandemic is happening. And then this guy Peter Chrome pops up. I was like, "Who the hell is this guy?" You know, I've never heard of him before. And so I watched it and then you know that throughout that whole process ju just a little bit of a backstory I would always keep saying man I if only I didn't have that car accident if only that accident never happened to me I would be okay you know I'll be happy I won't be miserable like I will be living a a a good life etc and I just kept dwelling on that but then once I watched you talk with Ed my you said something which is your famous quote was happen couldn't have happened any other way because it didn't. >> Exactly. >> And that's when things started to change >> a little bit. I started to let go of wanting that past version of myself. >> Yeah. >> And I started to accept what it what it is, what has happened like this happened. It all happened for a reason. You know, >> for what? I don't know yet. Still discovering it slowly but surely. But it all happened for a purpose, a reason. And that's when I started accepting it. So now I have accepted it but I'm still dealing with the backdrop of it where >> not able to drive further like far places you know every time that happens it just takes over my body the anxiety the the like the the physical sensations uh all take over and then I shut down and I don't know what to do from there like I get terrified because it's like >> it's like it's a repeat of the same thing that's happened even though it's not happening >> you know And so then like so yeah, that's kind of it. I don't know if you want to ask me anything else. I I have like very sharp awareness so I can answer truthfully. So >> yeah. No, no, no, no. You're a very smart cat. I can see that. And I really >> appreciate it. >> Yeah. I acknowledge your intelligence, your uh your vulnerability, your honesty, and these are very scary things to go through. The significance of loading a plane of humans and not knowing if your decisions could impact their lives is huge. Uh the accident obviously was incredibly terrifying. Um so I I get it. I really get it and um I'm glad that you're here and I'm I'm humbled that you wanted to share your story with me so that we could help you find some freedom as is uh my main product as you know. >> Mhm. >> Um so I'm glad that for whatever reasons you know your friend said check out Edmmy and I I popped up and here we are. So I trust the unfolding of life and we can use that to also include what you've been through thus far, right? So why is it in the whole series of 8 billion lives that are populating this planet, you know, you happen to find me, you happen to submit a video and you're here with me today, right? There's something that we can rely on in terms of trust that this is all the unfolding of your life. And if this feels good to you, then I want you to understand that even what you went through, while scary and has created a lot of physiological imbalances with your anxiety and however it's affected your health and your sleep and all the things, we could say that is equally part of the unfolding of your life. Right? So I'm just going to plant that seed, you know, relative to that quote of mine that you you shared of what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way because it didn't. So that at least gives us a sense of um surrender and acceptance for the events of our life, right? It's like okay well even if you have anxiety, even if people have depression, even if people struggle with suicidal ideiation or frustration or anger or disappointment or failure, all the things that humans have, if you can really embody that quote, you realize that no matter what it is we've been through, it couldn't have been other any other way because it wasn't right. So just logic can help us to start to lean into both forgiveness for ourselves and others for what happened, but also profound acceptance that truly you can't change your history, right? What we can change is your relationship to it. And that's where you're stuck, right? You're no longer affected by either the fear of a call coming from work because you made a mistake or from an accident because they have both finished both those events that triggered the start of the anxiety with the call you know with the --- plan and you heard him say, "I didn't want to be married. I didn't want to have kids." You're in the way of the plan. So, what does that >> I'm in the way of his happiness. >> Yes. Right. But you're in the way of his happiness. And this is somebody who you adore. So, you want their happiness. But what if you were to put it in your own language? What does that say about you? >> Um, >> when somebody does something wrong, what's another way of saying that? >> Oh, they're bad. >> They're bad. Yeah. And in terms of guilt and shame. >> See, if you weren't there, your dad would be living his life, apparently, right? That's what he sort of implied and said. So because he's not, >> then who's to blame? >> Us. >> And so how would you pay how would you put that in language? It's my fault. >> Now just try that on. That just gave me chills. >> No, >> Julian. It's your fault. It's all your fault. Feel the weight of that. >> Mhm. Now you take that energy. That's how you see yourself. It's your fault. It's your fault that your dad can't live his plan. It's your fault that he's not happy. It's your fault that he's angry and frustrated. Now you become a 21, 22, 23 year old and you're working at, you know, LAX and you get a call. What gets triggered immediately about that HR and whatever was going on? >> Oh, it's my fault. >> Even though I knew it wasn't it wasn't my fault. Even though I knew it wasn't because I didn't know. >> Don't Don't worry about your mental capacity to know something. This is in every cell of your body. >> Mhm. >> What got triggered when you got that call has got nothing to do with the fact that you didn't know there was an HR on the body on the plane. >> Yeah. >> What got triggered was the part of you that has been deep in your system in every cell of your body since you heard and therefore felt it's your fault cuz your dad's not happy. >> Mhm. That's too much weight for you to carry. That's why you wanted to get demoted. You're like, I can't live in this place that it's always my fault. What is it like for you to walk around with the size of your heart, as kind and as thoughtful of a man as you are, to live in the prison that it's always your fault? What's that like? >> Suffering. It's it's um it's guilt. Honestly, >> it's a massive amount. That's why you said you couldn't think about it. You could barely live as a kid. I can't imagine the ways you try to compensate to be a good kid, to keep your dad happy. And you can explain some of it to try and make him happy because it's your fault. You kept saying, "I couldn't live with myself if people died because of my my error." Those thoughts, do you understand? Those thoughts occur because you live in the world where it is your fault. You think it is your fault. It's not like it's a an opinion. It it is your fault. >> Yeah. The burden of that narrative is more weight than anyone can carry. That's the heaviness, my friend. That's the precursor to the anxiety. You're walking around the planet thinking you are responsible for everybody else's wellness. Now, you're not thinking of everybody else. It's all from the same core wound that was associated with your dad, but it's now being superimposed on to anybody that you may have some impact on. Like if you had a girlfriend and she got upset, I can't imagine what that feels like. The tightness in your chest, the tightness in your stomach that you did something to upset her. >> Mhm. >> Because why? Well, because you're looking through the lens of it's your fault, >> right? >> Like this is heavy. Do you feel that in your body? >> Yeah. Yeah. I know for sure. Um it's like I always knew it was there. >> Of course, >> you know, cuz I would always re like whenever something would happen. Um I would always like the the thought always would come up. It's like it's your fault, >> you know. >> Yes. But you haven't That's fine. You're a smart guy, but I I I want you to just stay in the energy of it for now, right? You're walking around a human being with a big heart, a great mind, a very thoughtful thoughtful man, and yet you're living in a prison called it's all your fault. >> Mhm. Right. So the onus is always on you. I just want you to be able to presence and feel the heaviness of that. That's that is a a burden that no human being should or could carry. But we understand that little boy when he hears his dad say things like, "I wish I'd never had kids. I wish I'd never got married." You know, what's implied there is, "I'm not happy. This sucks. I'm miserable. And it's all your fault." So that little boy took that on. What were some of the ways you compensated for that? Yeah. So, um, yeah, like I would say in high school and stuff. Uh, or do you want me to do you want me to go as in younger? >> No, whatever. Just as soon as as soon as you can see it's your fault. You should be able to also recognize the ways that you try to compensate. Be a good boy. Maybe your older brother, the pressure of thinking it was his fault. If he heard the same thing, it sounds like he's like, "Fuck this. I can't handle this. I need to escape with drugs or misbehavior." Right. My guess is with you, you went the other way. You tried to like be a good kid. You tried to get out of the way. You tried to be quiet. You didn't want to disturb him. I don't know what what did you do to compensate? >> Um try not to get him upset. >> Yeah. >> As much as I could. Keep things to myself. >> Yeah. >> All the time. That's when >> that's when I realized too um that I would bottle up emotions and feelings. >> Of course. >> Keep it to me because if I didn't, >> you know, I already knew the outcome, what would happen. Yeah. So, I never learned how to process my emotions or feelings until I got like uh until I became more of an until I became an adult and went through therapy to understand that like, oh, like it's okay to feel this >> and it's okay to, you know, let it go as well in a healthy way without blowing up on other people. >> Yeah. >> Or or like or anything like that. So, >> yeah, like that's kind of how I compensate. Um, you know, I would smoke weed. Yeah. >> Uh, I would, you know, I was never much of a drinker. So, like maybe like here and there, maybe with friends, you know, in high school, I have a drink, but mainly it would be smoking weed is how I would suppress and compensate with everything and then >> just go back home, act like nothing happened. >> Yeah. Yeah. So, you're dead inside because you're wanting to make sure that you don't in any way interrupt this man's happiness or get in the way of his plan, right? You can just see the whole world of it, right? You get the whole existence of Julian from the place that it's his fault. He's to blame. And for that reason, you better keep yourself in check. So, of course, it makes sense that you suppress your emotions. You don't want to create any kind of ruckus or chaos or disturb your dad at all. >> Exactly. Yeah. >> Yeah. And there in lies the tension that sits in your body because you're not expressing your your needs. You're not expressing your feelings or emotion. It makes perfect sense. You didn't do anything wrong. It's all cons a continuation of the world that you look in look at and look through which is that it's your fault. Right? When you're when that is your perception of the world, that is your view of life, you have to act in accordance with that. Can you see? >> I see what you're saying. Yeah. >> So, if who you are is it's my fault, then all of your behaviors, your thoughts, your feelings have to be commensurate with that. They have to be an extension. >> Yeah. Amazing. Okay. So, we get the world of it, right? So now I'm going to take you through a little exercise. I hope you're enjoying this conversation and even moved by it. And perhaps part of you would love to learn more to go deeper and really understand the mechanics of the mind. Whether it's to help yourself or others you care about. What would it mean to you to be able to break free from the subconscious limitations that hold you back and help others to do the same? If that's something you'd love to be able to do and to discover with it a new world of freedom of possibility, then I invite you to check out my mastermind with over 30 hours of theory and coaching led by me personally. It's my most powerful and life-changing offering. You can find out more information at peterone.com/mastermind. Okay. And back to the conversation. So, were you born in California or where were you born? >> Yeah, I was born in uh in California. I also do want to mention though too, Peter, >> I totally forgot to mention this. I don't know how it slipped my mind, but also when I came across your work in 2020, >> um, in April, I lost one of my best friends, >> got shot and killed. >> Okay. >> And then 6 months apart, I lost my other friend to overdose. >> Okay. So, that >> that's what that's what I'm trying to say. Like, man, I have been through >> way too much. >> Yeah. >> For somebody my age, you know, like I've been through >> Yeah. It's just it's just a lot. But I forgot to mention that as well. I don't I don't want to like >> No, no, that's fine. I appreciate it. I'm sorry for the loss and I get it. And they are they're supporting actors in this bigger theme, right? So, they're not the main event. >> Um, but nonetheless, we don't want to in any way dismiss, you know, the tragedy of that. But for now, I want to stay on point, which is that the one of the primal lenses you look through the view that Julian has is that it's his fault. We have already spoken about what it's like to live in that prison, right? It's horrific. It's sad. There's a lot of suffering. You're tight. You don't express yourself. You're always trying to do the right thing. You're desperately worried about doing something wrong. All of that, right? So, if I cut you open, am I going to find a physical manufacturing label inside of your body made of whatever material wood plastic metal that says Julian, born in California, it's his fault. >> No, >> I'm not. Right. But this still does dictate your reality. So where is it's your fault or my fault? Where where does that live? >> Oh dude, it lives in my stomach. >> Well, that's how that's for sure. >> It lives in your stomach in the sensations which are the byproduct of where it actually lives, right? That's how it manifests in your physiology. But where is it's my fault? Where does that exist? >> What do you mean by that? >> Well, where is it? It's defining your reality. Is it in your kidney? Is it in your shoulder? like you know it manifests in your stomach as a feeling but the actual words it's my fault where do they live >> probably I would say like my shoulders >> okay that's where it manifests in your body right but so it's my fault >> I'm getting confused then >> that's okay you're doing great just stay with me you're doing great >> so it's my fault it's not a physical manufacturing label like it looks like you have dark eyes right so your dark eyes if I knew how to read your genome that's part of your DNA right so we can say That's in every cell of your body. It's part of the chromosomes. That's where we could find the precursor that is the expression of dark eyes. >> Make sense? That's just your anatomy. >> But as it relates to it's your fault, that's a perspective, right? It's a view. It's a story. So where is the story? It's your fault. Where does that story live? Where do beliefs live? Um I would say in my in my mind >> exactly yeah in your head right in your mind like the way that you view life. So if somebody believes that they're a particular religion that's something they believe and it's part of their identity. It's part of their p personality right. >> Mhm. >> Great. So it's not part of your anatomy because there no physical manufacturing label but it is the way that you view the world. So you look through the lens called it's my fault. Do you see that now? So how old do you think you were when you first heard your dad say like I wish I never got married. I wish I never had kids. >> I think I was around like 8 like >> Okay. Yeah. So, you're young though, right? >> Yeah. Like I want to say like cuz you would always say that, man. Every single time. So, I heard that since like I was eight till like I was like a senior in high school. >> Okay. >> You know, >> so before you heard it, you weren't walking around thinking it's your fault because you hadn't heard that. You, you know, maybe parents fight and looked like they were happy, looked like they're unhappy. There was just whatever was going on. >> Mhm. But then that was the particular trigger that inspired this deeper feeling of constraint that manifests in your shoulders and your stomach like physiologically but you weren't aware of like so think about a baby right like when you were like 3 months 6 months old that baby that you were wasn't thinking about anything because you didn't have language you were just sleeping you know being breastfed by your mom or on a bottle you would poop you would you know just be a baby you didn't have any beliefs right can you see that >> so it's when we get to about the age two or three that we start to have words and then we can create beliefs that I'm not good enough and I'm not wanted and in your case it's your fault. But prior to you hearing your dad say that which hurt it hurt that little boy to hear because he felt [ __ ] I'm in the way and I'm the one who's the obstacle to my dad being happy and I want my dad to be happy but I'm kind of stuck cuz I'm a kid so it's just my fault. Right? Do you see how that that got created in that moment and then it just got reinforced? So, prior to hearing that, you weren't looking through that particular view of life that it's your fault. That's all I want you to see. >> Yeah. No, you're right. >> Perfect. You were probably a happier kid. You didn't have the same suppression of your emotions and you didn't know that there was anything wrong right? >> Mhm. >> So, now when you hear that for the first time, it stings and then you hear it again and it just keeps getting more strength. It gets more validity and then you develop all your compensation patterns, right? So, when you're looking through that lens of it's your fault, we understand the whole existence for Julian. It's miserable, but it lives in your mind and it's a particular view that you got based on what your dad said and you interpreted what that meant about you. Can you see that? Can you see that continuation? >> Yeah. >> Great. So, it's not in your anatomy. It's not part of your hardware. It's part of your software. It's a story. It's a view in your head in your mind, right? That you're looking through. It's my fault. But it's a it's a perspective, right? So, if it's a perspective, it's just words. because it's just words, right? It's my fault. I mean, it has the feelings that come in the body and they show up in your stomach as you said in your shoulders and it does change your behavior. You suppress yourself and try to keep out of the way. But ultimately, it all comes down to something that you are holding on to as a particular part of your identity as your personality. Can you see that? >> Yeah. So if it's just words, it's my fault in your mind and you can only answer yes or no to this next question. Does that mean it's an absolute truth that who you are is that it's my fault? >> No, >> it's not. Right. That's not --- u don't have to have any angst they called you and if you were in this space of relaxation and relief you're like okay well no problem I did everything that I had to by the book and I'll talk to you guys tomorrow and we'll figure it out and we can do better or do you see it would have a different response >> right no exactly >> isn't that cool >> so that's number one is the world called it's your fault is a lie. And now you can see that you can step into the truth. It's not your fault. And because you're a powerful, caring, compassionate, thoughtful human being, you get to choose to be responsible for your actions. Totally different world than fault. No tension in that world. That's actually empowering because it's like, yeah, I'm a, you know, I'm a powerful human being who says things and does things and I I choose to be accountable for what those are and the impact that they have. Okay. But no fault and game of fault is over for you, my friend. >> Yeah. Sounds good to me, >> right? [ __ ] a. Okay. So, now the second one that's got more to So, there's anxiety associated with that because if it's your fault, you're always in a state of apprehension of when you're going to get in trouble, right? That you might be the cause of somebody else's suffering. There's a lot of anxiety with that. The other part of your anxiety is to do with the way that you relate to the future, right? that whenever you got onto the highway, especially coming home, you were anticipating something happening. In this case, maybe getting another call, maybe a plan not landing. >> So, if you can, as best as you can, how would you phrase that in language? What were you saying about yourself as it relates to the future? >> Um, I was projecting that something bad's going to happen. >> Exactly. Perfect. Doing great. You're super smart. So, the projection is something bad's going to happen. That doesn't matter. Bad things happen all the time. It's about you. So if something bad happens, what does that say about you? >> I'm at fault. >> It's still at yours. So there's two things going on here, right? You're at fault. That's the more constant, but that also informs the way you relate to the future. So something bad happens. What's going to happen to you? >> Something bad. >> Something bad. So the way I want you to >> No, you don't understand, man. Because that's literally what I It's I've been saying it for so long. Like I remember having this discussion. I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's just it's just beautiful that you brought this up. So having this discussion with my uncle and I was telling I was like, "Man, every time I get on the freeway, I feel like something bad's going to happen." He's like, "Well, what what do you think is going to happen?" I was like, "I don't know." >> Right. >> Yes. So, I just it just made me laugh when you when you brought that up right now cuz it's like, man, like you know me, you don't even know me. It's just crazy. >> Well, you said you don't understand. And I promise you I do understand. This isn't my first rodeo. >> Oh my god, man. Yeah. >> This is why, you know, this is why I'm blessed and grateful to do what I do. So, yes. So, your brain, again, based on past hurt, past hurt informs future fear. So, what's happening is as a survival mechanism, your brain is superimposing where you got hurt and it's collapsed with it's your fault, right? So, not only is something bad going to happen, but it's going to be your fault. So, do you see it gets amplified, which is why there's so much anxiety, but if if you're living into a future where something bad's going to happen, how does that make you feel, >> dude? It's like I'm anticipating the worst, >> which is called anxiety, right? You're anxious, fear, like terror. Like even terror, I would put it in that category. >> Okay. So, you're heading into a future that is filled with something bad's going to happen and by the way, it's going to be your fault, whatever it is. So what I want you to consider is the prison that I talk about and the way that we by default as humans relate to the future is we believe and it's not even a belief. It's deeper. The way the future is for us is that we're not going to be okay. >> Literally just let that sit with you. When you live in the world where you're not going to be okay and you don't even know what it is, which makes it even more scary, right? Because you don't know what it is. It's like the whole [ __ ] with the virus, right? You can't see this thing. It makes it even more scary. You can't see your future. So now you're living into a future where you just know that you're not going to be okay. You don't even know what it is. >> Can you feel the heaviness of that existence for you? >> Felt it for 5 years. >> Yeah. And maybe more than that, but for sure. Yeah. >> For for sure. Amplified for 5 years. >> The way you relate to your future is you're not going to be okay. Why then would you ever get on a freeway? Why then would you ever want to do this job? Because you see, the future you're always stepping into is based on a worst case scenario that's going to happen. That's your reality. Yeah, that's heavy, isn't it, >> bro? I've been carrying that for so long now. you and every other human being, especially those who deal with anxiety, because your brain is anticipating a worst case scenario that is a reflection of some past hurt that has you in the present moment be in a state of terror and anxiety based on your own projection of something that hasn't even happened yet. That's the start. That's where we want to start to see how ridiculous this is. It's it's human, so it's not a judgment. But in the way that it works, you're literally terrifying yourself based on your imagination of something you can't anticipate. >> Welcome to my life. >> Yeah. Welcome to the madness that's called being human. And and you are doing an incredible job because most people that is sufficient for them to smoke weed, to drink, to do prescription drugs, to whatever it is they have to do. The fact that you aren't on the Prozacs and the Xanax and all this stuff is is testament to how strong you are, but it doesn't in any way diminish or eradicate the feeling of angst. Your stomach, your shoulders, this the the feeling of anxiety and nausea and everything that comes with that. But because you're so smart and you're so powerful and you're with me, I want you to start to see the insanity of what you're doing to yourself. And it's not even your fault because it's all automated. This is a survival mechanism. Your brain is doing its job, but we want to absolutely override that program. Okay. So, you said something earlier around the the future when you said to your uncle like, you know, I'm just so worried like something bad's going to happen. And he said, well, what do you think's going to happen? And you said, I don't know. Because that is the truth about the future. >> Exactly. >> You don't know what's going to happen. But really get that you don't know what's going to happen. People say they fear the unknown. I'm like, "No, you do not. You do not fear the unknown." Why? Because you don't know what it is. How can you fear the unknown? What you're fearing is what your brain is superimposing on top of the unknown. What your brain is filling into the I don't know with some worst case scenarios. There's another accident, you're facing traffic, another plane goes down, whatever it is. When you have those thoughts, it creates all sorts of anxiety. But it's all within the world of you're not going to be okay. Fundamentally, that's the catch all. Do you see? Like it's your fault is the catch all for your dad and the marriage and the kids and the plane and the phone call as you're driving home from work. The catch is whatever it is, it's my fault. And in terms of your future and how you relate to it, it doesn't matter what. It's just you're not going to be okay. Can you see that, >> bro? That's literally it. That's literally all of it. Like because logically I know like I'm okay but I'm not like and and it's like I it's hard to explain. I >> No, you don't have to. I got it. Listen, I came up with this whole system. I know what I'm doing here. >> I mean, >> so you're looking through the lens now. So stay with me. So when you live in the world of you're not going to be okay as it relates to wherever you go, whatever you do, the future you're stepping into, can you see that that is that is anxiety? >> Yeah. >> So because you see life is in in terms of our human experience is linear. We're coming from a past apparently going through the present and we're heading to a future, but we're always we're never going backwards, right? So if you're always heading to worst case scenarios, then you always have to be in some state of fear. >> Mhm. And you'll get relief every now and again, you know, whatever. Maybe you get some good news or you got home safe, the car, and then you can just breathe for a second because you're not necessarily moving forward. But anytime you move, in this case, get on the freeway. You're moving, right? So if you move, your relationship to moving is into the future like all of us. And your future is filled with doom and gloom. So then in the moment, you have to be scared. That makes so much sense, man. That itself right there makes so much sense. >> Good. Well, this is why we're here. >> Now I understand because that like Oh my god, man. Okay, keep going. I'm sorry. Keep going cuz now I understand now. It's it's it's clicking. >> Yes. Good. So, we want to get So, what we do here in terms of finding freedom is we want to be able to bring awareness to the prisons that are you're in. As I said, I delineate many of them. There's 10 primal. You've got two that we've discussed. the whole world of it's your fault and now this other one where you're not going to be okay. That's a prison and you're experiencing anatomically emotionally physically all the byproducts of living in a prison, a hell. It's a view that is not a truth. All the prisons are lies. You saw that it's a lie that it's your fault. It's how you felt and it's dictated you in the way that you behave and suppress your emotions and don't rock the boat and blah blah blah. But now the same lie you're not going to be okay is the way you relate to the future which gives all of your anxiety, all of the worry, all of the fear, the fact that you actually change your behavior. I don't want to get on the road. I actually want a demotion. Do you see this is all because you can't face the the pending doom of your own imagined worst case scenario future which is logical. It's just all based on a lie because what do you know literally what do you know about the future? >> Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. This is how I started my career 25 years ago. I got to three words. I was so worried about whether I'd see this girl again. Was she with somebody else? Would I find love again? And I realized the truth was I don't know. I don't know why. Cuz the future's [ __ ] uncertain. >> Yeah. >> And then what we do as humans, because we're humans, and it's adorable. It's kind of cute. It's it's asinine. It's ridiculous. It's not intelligent. We put our own concerns into the unknown and then we worry about our own concerns. Think about this. You've got one brain. Your one brain is superimposing and literally imagining worst case scenarios based on the generation of this prison that you're not going to be okay. Meaning that is the foundation for the thoughts. Right? If we live in the prison, you're not going to be okay. Then you have to generate thoughts consciously that are associated with that. Do you see that? >> Same brain. The same brain that just made the worst case scenario going to be in an accident. The c the plane's going to crash. Whatever. That same brain then is like, "Well, [ __ ] How do I avoid that?" Do do you see how your brain made up a problem and then your brain is trying to avoid the problem that it made up? >> That it made up. Yeah. It's crazy. Right. And then you wonder why people drink so much and they're on medication. So my friend, what do you know about the future? >> Nothing. >> Nothing. Okay. So I'm going to go through the exercise again with you. If I cut you open, am I going to find a manufacturing physical manufacturing lab? Says Julian, born in California. He's not going to be okay. >> No. >> Okay. So it's not part of your actual hardware destiny. So where does I'm not going to be okay live? >> In my mind. >> In your mind. And what is it made up of? >> Nothing. >> Well, it's got something, right? Words. It's made up of language. >> Okay. Yeah. >> Just like it's my fault. It's it's a belief. It's it's it's based in linguistics right? >> Mhm. >> Okay. Great. So, you're looking through a lens of words, literally sound. I want you to get this. Your whole life, the anxiety, all the things that have dictated your behavior, the suppression of emotions, the choices that deliminate that eliminate uh certain things in your life that you would do otherwise, all of that is because of sound. And the sound is I'm not going to be okay. When you really get that, it's crazy that sound, words, I'm not going to be okay, completely suppress your ability to be free. >> Do you see that? >> Yeah. >> So, if it's just words, it's just a view in your mind, it's not part of your physicality, there's not a manufacturing label, is it a truth, an absolute truth that you're not going to be okay? No, >> no, we have no clue. >> Right. >> So now listen, in the absence because it's not a truth. I can't say you're going to be okay because I don't know what that means either. I still don't know. But what I can categorically tell you, Julian, is you're not listen to this language very carefully. You're not not going to be okay. Double negation, double negative, right? So if you're not not going to be okay, we remove the not going to be okay. So now you walk around the planet in the absence of the fear that you're not going to be okay. It's gone. How could you feel? >> Present. >> That's a good start, isn't it? >> Yeah. Just living in the present moment in a sense. Not worrying about what will happen. >> Yeah. Cuz you don't know. >> How does your body feel in the absence of worrying that you're not going to be okay in the future? that you're always being informed by worst case scenarios. That's gone cuz it's not a truth. It's not a truth. It was a lie. It was a lens. It was a view. It was a perspective. You're not not going to be okay. That that has gone. How would your body feel in the absence of that pending doom? >> Just calm. >> That's a little different than anxiety, isn't it, >> man? Yeah. No, just feel calm. >> Yeah. Well, we just hit relief, relaxed, present calm. Do you know what kind of biology happens when you're in a constant state of anxiety and fear? >> Oh, I know. >> And you're young enough. Do you know what kind of beautiful healing happens when you're relaxed and you're relieved and you're calm and you're present? >> That I don't know. >> No. Well, you're young enough that you don't have to worry about it just yet. But I promise you that we just got rid of, you know, maybe take a decade or two, a [ __ ] ton of suffering >> physiologically, anatomically disease. Disease is the absence of ease, right? >> Yeah. >> So my friend, is it your fault? >> No. >> Are you not going to be okay? >> No. >> No. Welcome t --- appened in the past. So your opportunity with PTSD and anything is profound surrender, is profound acceptance, is profound reconciliation that your history is your history. And it couldn't have been any different because it wasn't. And you were scared and you've been hurt and you've been heartbroken, you've been let down, you've been whatever it is, we've all been through. But that literally has nothing to do with our future other than the degree to which we continue to carry it around with us. and we're still sort of superimposed and projected into the future that is otherwise pure possibility. So we make space for the part of us, the child that is scared, in this case your body. That's okay. I hear you. I feel you. That's an appropriate response. I have all the patience and compassion for the body. But every time you get in the car and every time that you go to your, you know, destination and back without any incident, there's more evidence for your mind's own rationale that there's nothing to worry about. >> Absolutely. And that's why I came up with that quote. >> Don't build confidence, build evidence, and then the confidence will follow because that's truly how it's going to work. At least with this, right? >> Yeah. And you can Yeah. So again if you look at time because you said you've changed your relationship to time at the beginning which I love you know your incident whenever it happened you'd already had years and years and thousands of journeys without any you know sort of concern accidents or fearful situations right so you can also extend your evidence past the accident because what tends to happen is the mind from a position of fear tends to get stuck in time at the event whatever the trauma was right >> but so you're building evidence subsequent to that where okay look I've been on the road I've done this I've been on the highway and nothing has happened but that relatively speaking is a short-term case of evidence when you can incorporate all the journeys you had prior to the event too right if you were to literally have kept track of every time you've driven a car in the thousands of times that you've done that relative to the one time you're talking about a 0 something uh percentage of evidence for the worst case scenario. >> Absolutely. That that's such a great way of like reframing it as well, you know, and uh I didn't think about it like that for such a long time, you know, but >> yeah. Um >> so it gives you again it's like you know there are these anomalies in life you know it happens in all walks of life you know whatever happens um a breach birth you know in a pregnancy okay it's not the norm but they have to you know there's an intervention they have to change the baby or they can you know deliver breach births or they have a cesarian or you know it's not always normal or there's things where people get married and have kids and they thought it was forever and then it's not and things change and these can be really challenging experiences that humans go through but if you notice this um again you know one of the things I like to say you're you're always going to survive until you don't right so meaning no matter what we go through and at times it's really [ __ ] hard and it's really hurtful and it's really challenging and it's really scary and it's stuff that we don't want I understand I've been there but you're still there right meaning everything else now is your own imagination creating and p persisting the experience of fear that is no longer appropriate to your real life. Right? So you're to to use your quote about impatience. You're wasting more time and energy. I'm going to throw that in there. Being impatient than just being patient. Well, you're creating more internal fear and angst and PTSD from your imagination than you are from the event that happened years ago. >> Yeah. And and and what I discovered is that like it's not the fear of going to the place and back at all. It's the fear of experiencing those own feelings which I'm actually bringing into it because it's it's co it's how am I supposed to put that in better terms but >> it's uh I'm bringing that reality into what's happening in essence because that is the fear itself. It's those feelings that are so overwhelming and I I'm running away from them. Okay. >> So I'm I'm giving it too much power. >> Correct. Correct. So what you know this is such a beautiful distinction for you to recognize in yourself and I've sort of pointed to it in different ways but let's look at how well you've shifted your relationship to your parents right you said you now realize you know your words were okay you didn't deserve it but they were doing the best they could within their limits right >> absolutely >> so you made space for whether you call it you know um wasn't abuse but you know like being dismissed or not being held or seen or loved in the way that a child would like to be that's okay you know there's no judgment, there's no resentment, there's no anger anymore. So you right there have evidence of your capacity to make space for something that isn't ideal. It's just in the form of your parents. So guess what? The same principles apply. The same capacity to make space from you, the adult, applies to the part of you that gets scared. Do you see? It's no different. >> Abs. Absolutely. Yeah. No. And instead of running away from it or not wanting it, your opportunity is to actually be big enough of a human being that it's okay to have the feelings of mild fear, anxiety or concern. That's okay. No problem. I got you. Because if you have aspirations to be a father or even to be a dad or so, you know, a good friend to somebody, you're going to hear people, especially if you have kids, who are scared. you just are, you know. And if it's a friend, does it phase you? If a friend comes to you and they're worried about something, an interview or a girlfriend getting upset about something or a relationship ending, like how how do you approach that when a friend comes to you and they're worried about something? >> I love that. So, actually, I'll give you the perfect example is my own dad. My own dad now, he's um he's 76, so he's approaching the end of his life, obviously, and he's starting to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Yeah. >> And every time he does, he calls upon me, you know, like to calm him down and talk to him. And I am so calm throughout the the amount of heat and the emotion that he's displaying. >> Yeah. >> I'm able to take that >> and also understand where he is coming from and respond in such a calm way to help him also slow down and calm down. So that's how I show up >> for people. you know, I show up the way that I believe that they need despite how they are so emotionally volatile. >> Yeah. So now you get to see that you have the faculty, the capacity, and the experience of that ability to hold space for, in this case, a dad, another entity, another person. It just seems easier because it's over there. But it's no different than you looking at the TV screens on your desk. One of your TV screens TV screens is showing this scary scenario. Mhm. >> You know, if it's your dad, no problem. If it's you, oh, I don't want to be with that. No, it's the same thing. >> It's just it's just an experience. And now you get to actually expand who you are. This whole process of both freedom is, you know, and love and possibility is also in the realm of expanding. You're becoming a bigger you to make space for the part of you that is no dis different than your dad or anyone else that you would hold space for. And that's your next process of evolution is that oh there's a part of me whether it's physiologically entrenched into my biology and DNA and the survival mechanisms of what it is to be human or it's still just remnants of my emotional fears of what might happen. It doesn't really matter. The point is there's a part of you that's scared and that's it. End of story. Can you be and I'll ask you the question literally now as I said and you can answer. Can you Julian be with the fact that you are a grown human who sometimes has a part of you that gets scared? >> Absolutely. >> There you go. >> It's part of life. You need it. >> Yeah. >> But that's now how you quotequote to answer your question, integrate the PTSD, the response, the reaction of your body. It's okay. You're literally saying it's okay. It's okay to feel that. It's okay to have it all. And and that's actually what I do now. Instead of being so um upset about why is this happening, I I I have changed that completely. I never even asked such a question. I'm like, well, it's happening, >> right? >> So, I need to show up the best way that I can for myself. >> Yeah. >> Which is give myself enough compassion and empathy and and give me that reassurance as well that, hey, I'm going to be okay. >> Yeah. >> And it's going to take some time. >> You know, it's not going to be an overnight thing where this is just going to finally go away. But as I keep building that evidence, I'll build the confidence. And the opposite of fear is confidence, if I'm not mistaken. >> So eventually, when it's right, it's going to go, you know, and like and I'm a firm believer that you're right where you're supposed to be to get to where you want to be. You know, all of this had to have happened one way or another, and I wouldn't have changed it for a thing. Be honest with you, >> because the old version of who I was >> Mhm. is is horrible compared to who I have become now. >> Yeah. >> So, I'm thankful for it. >> Yeah. And I and I'm just gonna couple of things. So, you know, we could say yes that the opposite of fear is confidence. I'd say like play around with trust too as one of the potential opposites, right? And freedom, you know. Um but yes, confidence for sure. And really for you, even in what you just said about the last version of you, the older version of you was horrible. I get it. It was a horrible experience to live from. But I also want you to have compassion for the older version of you too. Right? Meaning you didn't know better than what you knew. You were operating within the limits of your own awareness just like your parents did when they were raising you. And even your father now as a grown man, he still can be a scared child because he's worried about his demise, right? So you can have compassion for all of that. So just as a very subtle but important shift to also make space for the compassion for the previous iterations of you, >> right? because you didn't know better than what you knew. And obviously we've had some profound conversations that have helped shift that and then you've continued to integrate and understand and realize which is beautiful. But I really would love for you to be able to make space for every iteration of Julian because that harnesses and strengthens your compassion and your acceptance and your surrender. Do you see that? >> No, absolutely. And I I didn't want to come across as if I I don'tve I've done all of that. um you know um in therapy as well and >> you know I wouldn't change a thing simply because it all had to have happened that way to get me to this point right here right now. >> Yeah. >> This type of understanding >> and what there's a quote you always say and I'm I'm going to probably butcher it. >> That's okay. >> But it's um >> you can't be upset about what you didn't know. >> Yeah. >> And I I didn't know at the I thought at the time I'm operating from a a good place back then, but clearly I was just a hurt child stuck in an adult body. Yeah. >> You know, and >> now I have the compassion for that, right? >> But it's my responsibility right now with this awareness to do better. >> Yeah. >> And the way I phrase it, you know, the way you said it was totally fine, but the quote is that you can't be held accountable for that which you're oblivious to. Right. >> Absolutely. Yeah. So, we all have our blind spots and that's where I'm just appealing to you as you continue to go deeper into this and evolve so beautifully to continue to have compassion for all iterations of you and the part of you that still biologically can react a bit when you're going to go on a drive. You know, just as you extend that to your parents, you extend that to your friends. I'm sure now that sort of final frontier is to keep extending that same love and acceptance to all parts of you whether they be old or even some of the present parts of you that you know maybe in an idealistic world you wouldn't have but you do right now and that's okay >> you know and it leads me back to one thing that will always stick to me that you told me which is I don't know. >> Yeah. and and to to really um build that relationship with uncertainty. And so with this situation, I I don't know if I'm going to ever get completely better from what's happened. And I'm okay with that because I'm going to take it one day at a time >> and whatever happens >> happens, you know? So >> that's just kind of like my way of making peace with it. >> And um >> I truly believe >> things are going to look bright. I I can't know for certain, but I'm doing the work and that's all that matters, >> my friend. I mean, again, it's uh it's super humbling to be able to have these conversations, to be able to reflect my insights to human beings like you and you know, the title of the podcast to help you find freedom, right? And at the same time, as we integrate these new distinctions and realizations, they become so second nature that you almost forget who you were. And I'm so excited even for you when this does come out, you know, to to see the old iteration of you without judgment, nothing but love and compassion towards the man that I first met who was in such a state, you know, and who was oblivious to his own blind spots. Right. Because now you'll even today Yes. not knowing what's going to happen, we still want to stay open to the fact that we are a constant work in progress, right? I often say we're masterpieces and works in progress, right? To be fully at peace with where we are whilst remaining committed to where we're going. And that's what I feel now in you energetically. There's less anticipation, there's less trepidation, there's less anxiety, there's more excitement, and there's more responsibility, and there's more sense of true possibility. And um that that's that's a beautiful life to live. >> I can't thank you enough, Peter, honestly, for the opportunity. And you know, I I genuinely do like hope that whatever I went through can maybe impact or help somebody else. That that'll be amazing, you know. >> And you know, again, just thankful for the opportunity because probably without this happening, I probably wouldn't have reached this point. It may have took a very long time to, but yeah. Um, now I'm just forever thankful. >> Well, as am I. And I can tell you that not only will you reach people, you already have just by virtue of these conversations. So, just keep being you, my friend. It means the world to me to have humans who want to reach out and have these conversations so that we can all hopefully in our own way make a difference and be an inspiration for many others to find freedom. >> Absolutely. Thank you again, Peter. You've truly changed me like and I'm so thankful for that. Well, as I often jokingly say, I couldn't have done it without you. >> I love it. So humble, man. I love it.