Fear of Aging: Finding Freedom in This Impermanent World (Part 2)

So welcome and Namaste, friends. Thank  you so much for being here with us.  This talk is part two of a talk  on fear of aging and more broadly   the vulnerability that comes  with impermanence, with loss.  The basic understanding is that how  we relate to the reality of change   really determines our freedom, our happiness,  our capacity to love deeply and to touch peace.   When I say, how we relate, what I mean is, to  the degree that we meet the vulnerability of   impermanence with wakefulness, with an open,  accepting presence, that will really translate   into the richness and depth of our lives. We do live with fear about what’s ahead.   This basic fear is the fear of loss;  it’s the fear and pain that comes with   losing loved ones, perhaps losing a sense of being  relevant or important to others, being significant   in the world; it’s the pain and fear around  loss of our own body and health, our appearance;   the pain and fear that comes with losing  physical abilities, mental capacities,   losing a sense of independence. We also might  have the fear – many people do – of missing out on   living fully – many feel this kind of sense that  “something is missing,” “I’m not really living   my life, I’m skimming the surface” or “stuck  in depression” or “caught in addiction.”   So there is this sense of not  living true to what matters   and the fear that “I’ll die  without having really lived.”  We forget that everyone we meet is  navigating with a nervous system   that’s perceiving these kind of existential  fears. And it’s triggered in daily life.   Pain in our body triggers that existential  fear. The stress of deadlines; you know, I   recently found out the historical meaning of  deadline is the line that was drawn around prisons   that demarcated if an inmate went past  that line they’d be shot – dead line.   So daily life, you know, deadlines. We also have a fear in our daily life   of failing in work or in relationships. And if  you think about it: For early humans failure   – being rejected from the tribe – was a  certain form of death. So daily experience   can easily trigger a very deep sense of being  a threatened, insecure, separate self. And some   can be very well defended from that vulnerability  – from feeling it – but deep down we’re all rigged   to feel that kind of insecurity. A story of a doctor who comes out   of a long surgery to report the  status of the patient to his wife.   And this is what he says, he goes, “Yeah, yeah,  yeah, he is fine, resting, etcetera, etcetera.   You know, just once it would be nice  if someone asked how I was doing.”  So everybody is living with a nervous system –  a system that’s nervous, that’s afraid of what’s   coming, that’s insecure. You know, I found for  myself that when I pause – often when I pause –   and I deepen my attention – and I’m slowing  down right now to do it – I notice a kind of   background hum of fear; sometimes it’s in the  form of restlessness like “I want to get away   from this,” you know, and always it’s a fear of  what’s to come, I’m in some way tensing against   what’s around the corner. And for years I would in  some way hitch it to something I was anxious about   that was coming up - maybe a trip I had to take,  presentation or a meeting or a work deadline, you   know – and then I realized I would get over that –  whatever that thing was I was anxious about – but   then the fear or anxiety would re-arise  again. And I came to realize it’s just this   underlying vulnerability about  changing life, about the dread of loss.  And of course what makes that underlying  existential fear get more alive and concrete   and for me it gets stronger when I’m feeling  unwell or when I’m feeling tired or when I’m   feeling physically fragile – a lot of people  have that – most of us have ongoing ways   that we try to control life and distance  from existential fear. You know we basically   do whatever we can to defend and promote our  survival. And of course there is all sorts of   very wholesome ways we do that - you know, taking  care of ourselves in the face of aging and loss,   in our loving relationships, with meditation,  food, eating well, exercise, sleep,   doing what we can to keep mental  clarity, to strengthen our memory.  My father used to tell a story about these two  elderly couples and they are having this friendly   conversation and one man asks the other, he says,  “Fred, how was that memory clinic you went to   last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred responds, “they  taught us all the latest psychological techniques,   visualizations, association. It  made a big difference for me.”   “That’s great! What was the name of the  clinic?” Of course Fred goes blank. He thought   and thought but couldn’t remember. And then  a smile broke across his face and he asked,   “What do you call that flower with long  stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?”   “Yes, that’s it!” Then he turned to his wife:  “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”   So that comes from way back. So we have these healthy ways of self-care.   And we also – and this is where we’re going  to spend time – have daily strategies to avoid   feeling the raw vulnerability of our fear, to  avoid it. And it comes in a very physical way:   the way we tense our body and we tense against  feeling sensation, we tense against feeling   feelings in our body. And it comes in the way  that we just consistently losing ourself in our   mind, in mental worrying or obsessing or planning  and we are getting away from our body and where   the rawness and vulnerability lives, where the  present moment lives, you know. We try to get away   with overwork; so many of us know how while we  have a lot to do so much of that chronic business   is getting away from something or the way we  distract ourselves or the way we over-consume   or the way we try to control other people; we’re  trying to manage our lives so we don’t have to   sit down into that powerless  feeling of insecurity.  Last week I was on self-retreat.  And it was really a precious time.   I took the days – and Jonathan, my husband, did  it with me. The intention was really being, it was   not leaving in any way but really being through,  you know, meditation practice sitting and walking,   simple, undefended presence. And I could watch  through these days how many pulls there were   to do something, just to do something, you know –  to cook or to pick up the mail or arrange my book   shelves in a better way or compose this talk or  contemplate meaningful things – all fine except   in some way it was this pull to leave the rawness  and immediacy of just being here, just being.   So my practice was to just notice  those coming up and most of the time   letting go of the doing activity and re-choosing  presence. And then I’d arrive and settle back in.   And sometimes that was initially  uncomfortable – habitual restlessness,   wanting to be somewhere else, wanting to do  something, that kind of anxiety – a few times   very real, deep vulnerability would unfold, much  more a kind of a deeper existential kind of fear,   grief around anticipated loss which  I’m going to loop back to and touch   into a little bit later in this talk. But as happens – as I truly state – as I   met what was there with presence, with openness,  with kindness there was consistently a shift,   each round, from being a self in a  story that was trying to manage things   and feeling the fear or feeling this and that  enlarging to rest in a much more open presence   that really had room for the different waves  of experience. This shift kept happening.  And the point of this – really the theme of  this whole talk – is that it’s quite natural   that vulnerability, insecurity will  arise in reaction to impermanence   and they are not wrong; in fact, they’re  exactly what we need, they’re really the portal,   if we are willing to stay, that opens us to  that spacious heart, that love, that presence   that really is who we are beyond our stories of  separation. So that’s the theme that our grief,   our fear, our feelings of loss actually  are a very precious portal to true refuge.  Okay, a story for you:   In a far away country, now lost in the  midst of time, there was an old king and   queen. And they had a son, a young prince, who was  proficient in matters of war, rather competitive,   clever in matters of state, self-centered,  disinterested in other people and their troubles,   impatient and headstrong. So this is kind of  strategy that removed him from that vulnerability   I’ve been describing. But enough of my commentary. Back to the story. - So the king was old and   ailing and the queen was concerned about the care  of the kingdom. And so she went to a sorcerer   and described the prince and what she  was worried about. And the sorcerer   listened carefully and he asked a question,  he said, “What does he like most of all?”   And the queen said, “He is passionate about  horses.” “That’ll do.” Told the queen to bring   the prince to the palace gardens the following  day. And she did so. They went to the gardens.   And there was this b --- ingdom. And her father invited  him to stay over night. He was a woodcutter.  He set out the next morning to find his way home.  Asked every person he encountered if they knew   the way but nobody did. So he went back to the  cottage. This happened day after day after day.   And he started helping the old man with his work,  you know, cutting the wood. And over the weeks and   months he started to grow wise in the way of the  forests. And the kingdom became a kind of memory.   And he was attracted to the daughter they married.  So he built this new life. And he had a trade,   gave birth to a son and daughter and  took over the business and lived simply,   was able to take care of their needs happily,  very peaceful. So the memories of his former life   faded. And he was living in a really close to  the earth way, a lot of love. Often he would   go for walks in the forest. And on one walk  there was a glen with a beautiful deep pond.  One day he was sitting by that pond and he heard  a cry and his two children came running out of   the forest, they were being chased by a tiger, and  before he could do anything his children ran into   the pond, they disappeared; the tiger jumped in  an disappeared; then his wife who had been chasing   behind the children she ran up and jumped in after  them and disappeared; the horse – his beloved   white horse – galloped up, leaped into the pond  and disappeared. And when the waters became still,   clear, there was no trace of his family  or the horse. In the space of two minutes   everything in his life had vanished. There was  a great shock of loss. He fell to the ground,   his body shaking with sobs, crying, crying. Until  he felt a hand softly touching his shoulder.   And he looked up. And he saw the eyes of  his mother, the queen, concerned faces   of others from the court, he saw the palace  gardens, the horse was standing quietly there.   The queen was relieved. She told him that as soon  as he had touched the horse he had fallen to the   ground, he had been lying there in trance for two  to three minutes. “No,” said the prince, “not two   to three minutes. Years. I had a life, a family,  a trade, people I loved, a wife and two children!   I had things that mattered to me! I lived my  whole life! It wasn’t two to three minutes!   It’s not possible!” He was dazed and  bewildered. He stood and walked away.   The old man bowed to the  queen, took the horse and left.   The young prince was profoundly altered by the  loss and by the mystery of this fleeting world   and it entirely changed his attitude. His  heart opened every moment of his life.   After his father died he ruled wisely, attentive  and caring, about the welfare of his kingdom.  So what does this story tell us? You know,  maybe you have some life threatening illness   and you found that the illness has really made  you cherish and value life in a new way, to love   life in a new way, your priorities have shifted.  Or maybe you have lost or are losing a dear one   and you know the quality of presence and  care that’s come up around that person.  One friend of mine is a doula – you know, helping  those who are dying, accompanying those who are   dying – and he says it helps him stay aware of  the edge, of that impermanence, that mystery,   it helps him live his moments from  full presence, from a loving heart.  Let’s reflect for a moment,  friends. You might want to   lower your gaze or close your eyes, whatever is  comfortable. Feeling your body here breathing.   Let your intention come right into the moment   and to the changing moments,  into the changing moments.   Feeling the breath changing moment by  moment. Sounds around you changing.   Sensations through your body.   And then to bring to mind someone who is  close to you, that you dearly care about,   that’s very dear, and there is a mutual caring  – and this could be a pet, could be a human,   someone who is dear –   and imagine you are with them and you  both know you’re together for the last   time – there is no need to know why, just this  is the final time you’re going to be together –   and just notice how the knowledge of a  finality - that these forms are together   for the last time - just notice  how that brings up your cherishing.   And you might imagine looking into their eyes   and that they are looking into your eyes. And  sense in their eyes that love, that presence,   how they look when they are  feeling care towards you.   And just let go of all other externals about  them – personality, other types, parts of   their appearance, it’s all going anyway – just  sense the presence looking through those eyes   and sense the love and presence  looking out through your eyes.   And sense how really it’s the  same, the same loving presence,   that you’re both loving  love, the field of communion,   the experience of being in  that field, being that field   and that this loving presence, this  field of tenderness, is more the truth   of who you both are than any of the  stories of separate forms, appearances.  From Tibetan teachings: “If everything changes,   then what is really true?” Just  sense this: When everything changes –   sounds, sensations, these bodily forms  coming and going… then what is really true?   “Is there something behind the appearances,  something boundless and infinitely spacious   and tender, in which the dance of  change and impermanence takes place?   Is there something behind the appearances,  something boundless and infinitely spacious,   tender, in which the dance of  change and impermanence takes place?   Is there something in fact we can depend on, some  refuge that does survive what we call death?”  Okay. If your eyes are closed  please feel free to open them.  So on the spiritual path awakening is the  shift from that sense of separateness,   which is painful to a realization of oneness,  that timeless belonging beyond the changing dance.   That’s the shift. And opening to  impermanence, to change, reveals   that loving presence, reveals that changeless  loving presence, reveals our refuge.  And here is what we’ll look at now:  that this refuge of love – trusting   our belonging, our oneness – is what gives us  room for this changing, living-dying world.   In other words: The more we trust  that formless loving presence   behind the appearances, the more we  trust that what we might call spirit,   the more we are able to hold  and cherish this changing life.   Again the understanding is this that feelings of  love dissolve the pain and fear of separation.   Our suffering is feeling separate. When there  is love, that hard edge of separation starts   softening. And there is some really good  research on when people are feeling the fear   of anticipating pain and they’re wired up, you  know, and they know they’re going to get a shock,   if they’re holding hands with a loved one, they  can measure that the fear level goes down. Feeling   connected reduces our fear. Love calms fears. It  also nourishes our life force and our happiness.  There is so much research that those  with good social networks live longer…   My Aunt Carol, when she was ninety-two, about  six years ago, she is still going strong,   decided to become bat mitzvahed and I thought  wow in her elder years she is seeking a deeper   understanding of Jewish scripture and teaching  and faith. And I asked her, you know, really   what was drawing her and so on because I was  really curious, ninety-two getting bat mitzvahed.   And she said, “Oh I wanted to spend more time  with my friends.” And I realized that this is   as deep an expression of her faith as any to  really take refuge in communion, in connection.  A woman shared a story with me – it’s  different, shifting here – her father   was unable to communicate his love for his  children. And she found out later he did love them   very much. But he was not able to communicate.  So when her brother was dying of brain cancer   his wife told her that the only thing missing in  her brother’s life – his name was J – was that   his father had never told them he loved them. And  so this woman encouraged her father. But he had   a visit with his son but he didn’t do it and he  just claimed, “Well, the subject didn’t come up.   You know, he had just been blocked a really long  time. Then she got a call and it seemed that her   brother would probably die in about an hour. So at  that point her brother was blind and paralyzed and   hadn’t spoken in a week. So she called their  father and said, “Daddy, you have one chance.   J will probably die today. Please pick  up the phone and tell him you love him.”   She wrote this, she said, “And daddy did just  that. He called J, told him that he loved him. And   J, who hadn’t spoken for a week, started talking  and talked to his father for a half an hour.   And J didn’t even die that day, he rallied and  lived for another month.” There is such power   to knowing the truth of our belonging beyond  these forms, just the truth of that belonging.  There is a poem called “Bedside  Manners” by Wiseman, it says:  “How little the dying seem to need - a  dri --- yourself, you know,  if you had three minutes to live,   what would matter? What would you in those  three minutes want to experience and trust?   I know for myself, when I examine that,   if there is just a few minutes what I want to  know and trust is that this being belongs to love,   that I belong to loving presence, to a  universal tender, loving awareness, belonging.  Sri Nisargadatta who is one of the teachers no  longer alive I most draw from and read – he writes   this, he says, “As long as you imagine yourself  to be something tangible and solid a thing among   things, you seem short-lived and vulnerable.  And of course you’ll feel anxious to survive.   But when you know yourself to be beyond  space and time you’ll be afraid no longer.”  It’s such deep wisdom, you know, if we’re  identified in the limiting stories of being a   separate self we are always going to be fearful.  As we build a sense of realizing and trusting   our true belonging – that we are that field of  loving awareness – then we have a fearless heart.  So what I want to do as we continue  now is look at what deepens that trust   in who we really are and when we are caught  in fear how do we find our way from that   squeeze of feeling like we are a separate,  threatened self to that fearless heart-space   that is timeless and that can include this  living-dying world, how does that shift happen.  So this is actually where a more  purposeful practice comes in   because when we are cut off, when we are  in what I call “a trance of separate self”   where we are feeling short-lived and vulnerable,  we need to cultivate a pathway home, cultivate a   kind of remembering. And there are two approaches  that I’ll describe right now that really help to   create that pathway. The first is familiar to many  of you as really a practice of loving kindness   that we learn how to on purpose reflect  on what will warm and open our hearts.   It could be words that we say to ourselves  of self-blessing such as “May I feel happy,”   “May I be peaceful,” “May I be free,” it  may be a reminder “May I trust my goodness,”   “May I trust my belonging,” there may be a  mantra that we love that refers to the sacred   or maybe we do loving kindness by  bringing to mind a person their love and   their way of being with us helps us to feel  safe or maybe we bring to mind a part of nature   that gives us that sense of  belonging or a spiritual figure.   Whatever we bring to mind, the process  of remembering love helps to undo the   negativity-bias in the mind because the  negativity bias is just part of the survival mind   is designed to keep us fixating on what frightens  us so instead what we are doing is cultivating   neuropathways that really correlate with  well-being and strength and peace and love.  There is a story I heard about Mahatma  Gandhi that when he was a youth he was   often bullied by older kids in school or bigger  kids because he was a pretty skinny, little guy   and so he became very afraid of being  in the neighborhood and he’d come home   day after day after school he’d come running home  in tears again and again. His nurse mate finally   said to him, “Look, next time this happens just  stay put, stay where you are, stand your ground   and say ‘Ram, Ram’ – the name of God.” So that  was his loving-kindness practice was to call   on the protection and love of God – Ram, Ram. And  she told him that would give him strength. And so   over the years that became like a deep devotional  practice: calling on God’s love and protection and   it brought him much courage. It’s a training,  you know. Whatever we practice grows stronger.  So it’s a training. And people often  say, “Well, what do I start with?”   We start wherever there is some accessibility to  feelings of love or belonging, even if it’s just   a tendril - because some people have had severed  belonging, so much trauma, that it’s hard to find   a place where there is a sense of connection  - but I always discover that it’s there,   it just may be wobbly and needs strengthening. And  again it could be a beautiful place in nature that   reminds us there is something inherently good and  beautiful in this natural world. Or it could be   some spiritual figure that resonates to us like  Gandhi’s Ram. It could be a child or a dog or a   grandmother who is no longer alive, a teacher. It  might be our ancestors, calling on our ancestors.  So we’ll just take a moment - very brief practice  of this just to get a taste - and then we’ll   move to the second approach that I’d like to  explore with you. Again letting this be a pause,   letting your attention go inward, as you come into  stillness either closing the eyes or maybe the   gaze is downcast. And the attention  here is to turn towards love.   And the invitation is to take some moments and   bring to mind where there is the most  uncomplicated, easy-to-access love   that you can consider. Again it’s  fine if it’s your dog or cat, child.   And whoever/whatever you bring to mind, bring  it close in so you can visually see it clearly.   If the other is one with eyes just sense those  eyes looking at you with pure acceptance and love.   And just feel what happens. Sensing  the goodness of the other. And   just let the warmth, the openness of  loving be here, fields of togetherness.   You can let go of the object  and just feel the loving.   Just feel that there is more  space, more heart-space.   And as you continue – and many of you have  done – is we continue by widening the circles   so that we can feel that sense  of connection and loving with   more and more beings on the planet and so that we  can feel that our own awake hearts can hold us.  And so this is the first approach is the  loving kindness practice where we purposely   look towards where there is some loving connection  and we nurture it and we feel how it wakes up our   body and our heart to that tenderness. And this is  a way of it’s in the category of resourcing where   we’re actually developing an inner resource, a  sense of strength and connection. If your eyes   are closed you might want to open them now. We are moving to the second approach. And this is   really the approach that brings the kind of deep  awakening that I’ve been pointing to in this talk   where we directly face our vulnerability and we  meet it with a wakeful, kind presence. And just to   name that because vulnerability can be so intense  and so deep and so raw and sometimes traumatizing   it’s important to know that at any time that  it feels like too much either as we practice or   on your own that you can always shift your  attention and go back to resourcing yourself,   to using the loving-kindness practice to regain  a sense of connection and safety and calm. And so   that’s a support. And as you feel more and  more ready by it’s by meeting the vulnerability   with presence and with compassion  that you really will free your heart.  So let’s say that fear or grief arises as you  are facing the changes in your life. In the   last talk on aging, I basically framed the three  refuges – the three pathways to working with that:  And the first pathway is being right with what’s  going on right in the moment and that’s the   pathway of truth or dharma where we’re contacting  just what’s happening right here and now.  And the second pathway is where we bring  kindness to that, that’s the pathway of love.  The third pathway of awareness is where we  then discover the presence that has woken up   and rest in that, be in that. And if you  are familiar with RAIN you can sense RAIN   in what we are doing now – that we are  being with vulnerability using RAIN, that   the pathway of truth is recognizing, allowing and  investigating, the pathway of love is nurturing.  And then it’s in After the RAIN – and this  is… I encourage you not to skip – that we   sense that timeless, loving awareness that has  unfolded and recognize that as who we really are.  So we are going to be practicing this process  of presence, but I want to say a little more   about it that you can actually see over the  span of a life time when there is wise aging   how this is actually what happens, that  the more over the years we encounter   losses with presence there becomes this very  close in, direct, cellular sense of mortality.   The older we get the more it becomes real. And I can say in my own life, the more   I think I’m consciously aware of life being  fleeting and that this body-mind is going to go,   the more I feel loving - there is a direct  correlation. And I think it’s because as we   move through a life time in a way practicing being  with vulnerability, we become increasingly porous,   increasingly accepting and spacious and not so  identified with the hardened resistant, striving,   separate self. And I have been with many people  who are older, sick, dying and there can be a kind   of transparency where there is less identification  with the body and personality and more resting in   spirit, you can see that glow of spirit because  they are just less identified with the egoic self.  Ursula K. Le Guin wri --- ll suffering  ends. You are beyond this bodily form.”  So the way to realize this is by opening  to vulnerability. And as I’ve mentioned the   habit when we feel vulnerable is to think “Oops!  Something is wrong, I shouldn’t be feeling this,   I shouldn’t be afraid” or if we get a big wave  of grief, you know, “I shouldn’t be grieving.”   And for me it’s really helpful to consider:   Whenever vulnerability arises, whenever  we feel insecure in the face of change,   that that insecurity is loving awareness  seeking to awaken from the pain of trance.   It’s loving awareness being in a container,  in a confining container, a limited self.  I wanted to share that I was really reflecting  on this a lot while I was sitting by the   river the other day and I actually  send myself a message about how   suffering and vulnerability is really that  pressure, that squeeze, of living in too small   a container. And so I sent myself this email.  “Vulnerability is when our consciousness is living   in the small lemon container of  a sense of a separate shelf.”   It’s probably just as true. Who wants to spend  life in a small lemon container on a shelf? But   maybe a more poetic way to put it is it’s like the  chrysalis, you know, the pain of the caterpillar   in a confining cocoon – that’s outgrowing  it’s cocoon and its nature longs to fly free   through the vast skies. So when  vulnerability comes up it’s a message   to pay attention because we’re living a too small  a container, in a container of a separate self.  Okay. One more story and  then we’ll practice together.   And this is from this last week – as I mentioned  on retreat – and I was really reflecting a lot on   how dreamlike this life is, it’s all passing, how  fleeting. And I thought of my son – Narayan – and   his wife Nicole and the two grand-daughters  and I started really focusing on my son   and sensing how this life is passing  and how he’s precious beyond words to me   and feeling this great wave of grief – real  vulnerability – and so of course the message   is “Okay deepen my attention, pay attention.” And  with it there was this sense of something missing,   a longing for more connection. And most  poignant and painful was being aware of my own   trance and the ways that I create separation,  the way I am not as present as I want to be,   not as available to connect. Then  to deepen attention meant to really   feel into the very center of that grief, let it  break my heart open, and it was so clear that this   grief was love wanting to love more fully, it was  the longing to connect. So just kept bringing like   a deep, deep caring presence to that grieving  place and the prayer that emerged really was,   “Please may this heart be free to  love fully. Please, please may I   be free to love fully – him and all beings.” And as that longing really came out it really   brought forth the space of pure, timeless  loving, just loving. It’s the loving that’s   embedded at the very source of the grief,  you know. And there was then that luminous,   tender field of who he and I and all of us are  beyond the particulars, it’s that heart-space   that is undivided where we all belong. And anyone  who came to mind was part of that heart-space.   What was so clear to me – and I keep coming back  to it – is that it’s only by facing change and   the pain that comes when we’re identified as a  separate self – the grief and the loss – it’s   only by facing that with huge tenderness that  we get access to that very pure loving awareness   that is who we are beyond these changing  forms. And each time we get in touch with it,   it deepens our trust that that’s really who we  are, a trust that can carry us through our deaths.  All major spiritual paths guide  us to look at this truth of   living and dying and the vulnerability that’s here  and to discover that refuge, that formless loving   nature that’s beyond. And it’s entirely  natural to get caught up in habits of avoiding   vulnerability and avoiding impermanence. And  like the Buddha there is something in you   that wants to open to reality, that knows you’ll  never be at peace unless you open to reality,   there’s something in you that wants to find  that happiness and freedom in the midst.   And like that story of the prince, who realized  so suddenly and directly and cellularly   how this entire life, all that he loved,  could come and go, how that cracked him open   to really cherishing, to  really cherishing the moments.  In this closing practice we are going to  explore the vulnerability of impermanence with   a caring presence. And the name of the practice is  “Impermanence and timeless love.” So take a moment   if you will to find a way, posture, that will be  comfortable, where you can be awake and at ease.   Letting your attention go inward.   Feel yourself right here. Take a moment and   scan through the body and see if  something wants to let go a little.   Perhaps there can be a little letting go  in the shoulders, softening the hands,   letting the breath go deep, deep  into the belly, softening there. And   feeling this breathing body.  Relaxing with the breath.  And sensing as we did before how it’s all  changing – the sensations of the breath,   the sensations through your body,  these words and the sounds around you,   and how your life is changing,  how you are changing.   You might sense how you’re changing,  what’s different now, what keeps shifting.   You might be aware of relationships  – the ones that are most important –   aware of what really matters to you and  aware of how you are living your days.   And as you view your unfolding life just  notice if there are places of vulnerability,   places where you feel fear, sorrow,  loss, perhaps a sense of unlived life,   if there is a vulnerability that’s asking  for your attention right this moment.   And if so trust this is a portal. Of course if the feelings are too strong, if they   feel overwhelming, at any time you can turn to  loving kindness, resource yourself, call on love.   But if you are able to attend just  honor vulnerability as your gateway.   This is like recognizing and  allowing: it’s here, let it be here,   this is love, this is life that’s confined  and wants to realize its natural fullness.   And you might sense what  brings up the vulnerability.   What is it your small self is believing?   What are you believing is wrong or is going to  happen? What’s the story that brings up pain?  And as you let that story be very close in   – a loss that could come your way you are  not living your life true to who you are,   missing connecting – let yourself deepen   investigating and just feel  in your body where it is.   You might let your face, your  posture express what that feeling is.   And deepen right into the center of that feeling.   Very gentle. You might put your hand on your heart   to communicate a kind presence with the  vulnerability, inviting it to be free to   express itself, it’s as if you’re saying, “It’s  okay, I am here, it’s okay, you can be here.”   If that place could express a longing,  what is it most deeply wanting?  You might experiment and whisper the words  that come up. Perhaps the longing says,   “Please love me” or “I want to feel love.” “I want  to feel belonging.” “I want to feel held.” And   whisper again from the deepest,  most sincere place in your longing.   And if it feels that there is a source that you’re  calling on – a parent or a spiritual figure,   partner or formless loving presence –  if there’s a source you imagine you are   calling on, just imagine that source.  Whisper again what the longing is.  Now imagine the experience that you are  longing for. What’s it like? What is it   you’re really wanting to experience, to  feel, to trust in a very physical way?   Is it openness? Tenderness? Vibrating? Light?   Warmth? Whatever it is that you are longing  for, allowing yourself to experience it – that   experience of connectedness, of loving – as  if you’re bathed in it, let it permeate you,   let it permeate the cells, washing completely  through you and let it be as big as it   is. If you are truly feeling that love and  that connection, how big is that feeling? And   letting go of any object and just fill your  entire body awareness and the space around you   with that loving. Let go into it.   Sense that this field of loving is the truth of  who you are, who we are, the indivisible oneness   that is our true belonging, our refuge. And if  you bring to mind different humans or non-humans   you might sense how all belong  in this infinite heart-space.   Rest in this heart-space. Be this unconditional,  loving awareness. Know it as your true home.   “Once you know the way then nature of  attention will carry you here more and more   to the indivisible field of  timeless, tender presence.”  Please take a few full breaths. If your eyes are  closed you might open your eyes, look around,   view yourself right in the space you are in.   And I want to thank you friends. I want to  thank you for your presence and your attention   and your bright, beautiful hearts. Namaste.