How to Cultivate Feelings of Belonging (Part 2)

[music] Namaste and welcome my friends. I’d like to begin with a teaching story. It’s one of my favourite little stories. And in this one a mom is preparing pancakes for her two sons, Kevin is five, Ryan is three. And the boys begin to argue over who gets to have the first pancake. So the mom feels like this is a great opportunity to teach them a ethical lesson, a moral lesson, so she says, “Well, if Jesus was here, he would say let my brother have the first pancake.” And so Kevin, the oldest, turns to his younger brother and says, “Ryan, you can have the first chance of playing Jesus.” So we are all in our own ways in a developmental process. And it moves from the habit of operating out of a sense of a self, a real preoccupation with selfness where we move through the world kind of self-centered – “How is this going to benefit me,” “How is this going to hurt me” – and out of that can come not only selfishness but aggression as we know. And then as we emerge, as we develop, there is more and more of a sense of “we” and really the navigation is, “What will serve the greatest good, our collective well-being?” So what we’re going to be doing in this class is continue from last week’s class and it’s actually turning into a three-week series not a two-week series because it feels pretty alive and relevant right now and it’s really on how do we deepen our sense of real connectedness, of “we” in a world that as we know is pretty divided. And the quote that I found so powerful that I’d like to share again from Mother Theresa is that “If we have no peace it’s because we have forgotten that we belong together.” So there is a lot of forgetting when we think of our world today, when we take in the suffering around us. This reflection that we’re doing together these weeks feels profoundly urgent for our world, that we very consciously widen our sense of who we are to include each other. That’s the shift in consciousness we need. From the “I” to the “we.” And it’s also an essential movement and opening this perceiving belonging in our spiritual freedom. This is spiritual freedom to sense belonging. So we’ll continue to explore it. In a way we are taking the metta or loving-kindness practice which as many of you know has widening circles where we start with our inner life and then we include those dear and then we include those we don’t know so well and then onward. We’re actually taking that one meditation and doing it over a number of weeks so we’re dropping in more deeply. If you missed the last one you’ll be completely fine with this class but I do encourage you to listen because each of the pieces deepens it. And last class we explored how do we truly feel belonging to our inner life. When we get divided in the world it’s because at the core we are at odds with our self, we are not really at home in our own bodies, the emotions that arise we are at war with – we are not comfortable in our emotional body -, we are not at home. So that is the beginning and the middle and the end. We have to keep coming back to belonging to the life that’s right here. And we need to widen it out. Now in the last class we described the power of learning to pay attention because that’s what reveals our belonging and how, when we get stressed – and this is for most of us especially when we have had no training in how to pay mindful attention -, there is a default that goes on where we regress back to operating out of the most primitive parts of our brain. And when we do that – you know, I typically call it a “limbic hijack” – our ego is really being driven by a deep sense of “I am separate, I need this from others” – a kind of grasping – and an aversive “This is dangerous” and often aggression. So as we know when that’s full blown on a societal level, when our society is one friend calls it a “PTSD society living out of its limbic brain” it’s trouble, you know, it really is. It’s that limbic energy that leads us to violating non-dominant populations, that leads us to tormenting billions of animals each day to feed us and that leads us to burn trees and faucet fuels and basically forget our belonging to this earth, that this earth is our larger body. If we forget that, we’ll destroy our earth. It’s self-destruction. So there is a default to the primitive brain that happens to some degree in all of us when we get stressed and for some people because of their conditioning and they haven’t trained at all a lot. The path to realizing belonging is a conscious training of attention, of mindfulness – how to be present and reconnect to what’s here – and compassion where we bring a kindness to that. And research has shown in so many ways that with even just a little bit of practice of coming back into the moment it activates the higher centres of the brain, it literally activates the parts of the brain, this neural net, that has to do with relating and enables us to have access to empathy and to compassion. In other words: There is some sense of “we” – the brain is more integrated, we sense a more of a belonging to our world and our words and our actions are more geared to the greater good. So as I mentioned last week we looked at the ground-level of activating mindfulness and compassion and bringing it to our inner life. And the key-words that I want to remind you of were that when we start attending to our inner life we find what’s difficult and the attitude is, “This belongs”; that when there is jealousy or fear, you know, or anger or hurt that, rather than fighting it, we re-establish belonging when on some level we send that message inward that this belongs, this is part of the ocean, these are waves and they are part of this larger sense of being. And in the moment that you can say, “This belongs” to something difficult there is a magical thing that happens: more space opens up, you are inhabiting a larger space of being. So now we’re going to continue to widen the circles of belonging to others. And we last class explored bringing our care to dear ones. In this class we’re going to look tonight at how do we bring our care to dear ones when we are distanced or in conflict. In other words: How do we re-discover belonging when there is some sense of separateness. And most everybody I know, most everybody, has somebody in their circles that they care about but they are stuck in some sort of reactive distance or separation. And what I’ve seen in our lives is that often that is the place of the greatest suffering, it’s the thing that most nags us, it’s the thing most regularly is upsetting. When we feel angry or defended or hurt or disconnected from others, and even more insidious, when it’s not real intense but there is this kind of ongoing resentment… It’s very toxic. A valuable reflection – and you might check this out, we’ll just do it very briefly right now so if you want to close your eyes – is to sense yourself at the end of life looking back. And we often take this vantage point in meditations because it’s revealing. So imagine you are at the end of your life looking back. And you might bring to mind several of the people in your closer in circle – friends or family that you care about – and just sense: Well, what matters to you about how you were relating to them. Were you relating in a way that feels resonant? Looking back, were you living true to your heart? And maybe as you scan there is somebody that really pops up as someone that, if you knew you’re going to die in the next day or two, you’d really wish that in some way you had gotten unstuck and reconnected. There is a saying that if we were going to die in the next couple of days we’d all be on our cell phones calling so many people and in some awkward or not awkward way telling them that we love them. Sense for you how this might be true. And you can continue to consider that. We’ll keep going. Because as you know I will invite you to choose somebody and work with somebody as we reflect together. So I’d like to start in exploring how do we begin to bridge separation with a key-understanding that we’ve explored here together before and it’s just helped me so enormously so it’s one I keep coming back to. And that is that when I am in conflict with somebody, when we are in conflict with each other, what’s really happening is a conflict of unmet needs. That’s what’s going on that we and the other person have unmet needs - for feeling safe, for feeling cared for or for feeling appreciated or for feeling seen. There is many different possible unmet needs. So there are different degrees of charge when we have unmet needs. I mean, that’s why some conflicts are really deep and some aren’t. There is all those levels. Some level could be wounds of very early abandonment or violation but then it could be other levels of more immediate blocks to our satisfaction. I received this many years ago and in a way I’m going to ask you for forgiveness in advance but… This is called “Possibly The Best Chicken Joke Ever.” “A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg on the other hand is looking pissed off and resentful, grabs the sheets, rolls over and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered that question.” Oh come on you guys, please! It’s good! You know it’s good! A little bit of a sleeper but... I’ve only shared this I think once before and I remember being nervous about it then and I was nervous about it this time too so I need you with me on it. Okay, so there are different degrees of charge and it can range from charge from a deep, deep life wound to a temporary lack of getting satisfaction. There is also many types of reactivity that come up as we know that sometimes, instead of acting out, somebody is just brewsed with resentment and it’s very corrosive. Other people… And, you know, it’s been picked up energetically… For some people completely cut off contact and withdraw. Some lash out and blame. And some are more quietly… There is much, much in what might be called the passive-aggressive realm. In one situation a young boy announced proudly, “I am going to marry grandma!” And the father said gently, “Son, you can’t do that. Children don’t marry grandparents.” And the boy said, “Why not? You married my mom so I’m going to marry yours!” So getting back, that happens. Often unmet needs are fuelled by social norms that we want to meet and we can’t. So we can’t meet a certain norm and then somebody triggers us by making that clear to us. You know, because we are told so often that to be happy you have to be this kind of person and have this kind of intelligence and this kind of personality and this kind of looks or body. And I really like the way Dave Derry came at this, he said… He describes being puny all his life which is very painful for a male. He said, “I totally missed the boat to puberty island. I was this little hairless dwe with a voice in the Pinocchio range. One day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that girls were not interested only in looks, that the qualities that really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was long ago but it taught me an invaluable life lesson I’ve never forgotten: Moms lie when they have to.” So he is describing the suffering of not meeting machismo standards for males, which I speak of lightly and yet it’s a real suffering and then it can be triggered off in relationship. Whatever the level of charge or the type of reactivity or the cause, the pain of those unmet needs when we feel them triggered by another is what leads to reactivity. And, as I mentioned, I would like you to start considering looking more deeply into where you might feel distanced, might be in some level of a reactive spiral, so that you can try on this lance of unmet needs. You don’t have to start now because we are going to do a meditation on that. But if we can do this in our personal relationships where we feel distant, we are starting to evolve the consciousness that is absolutely essential for groups that are in conflict, for groups of people that are locked in. Until there is this capacity to see beyond a conflict to “Where does it hurt? How are you suffering? What is it in you that’s feeling pain?” We will not begin the dialogues that lead to reconciliation. So let’s look at what’s actually happening when we get caught in blame. And keep again in the background a sense of when you are feeling blame and see how much this resonates. What we don’t realize is that we are in a trance whenever we are blaming someone. Okay, let me explain what I mean by that because I know that’s kind of a big statement. Any time you’re blaming someone else your mind is getting narrowed and fixated, okay? The lance of the brain get narrowed and you get fixated and you are focusing on what’s wrong with them and they become as you do that “unreal,” you are not seeing a dimensional being anymore, you are just seeing the slant of them that has the “bad stuff” that you don’t like. So, again, they are no longer a whole being with insecurities and losses and the capacity for wonder and a sensitivity of this and… they are just the “bad other” that has those particular qualities. So identity has shifted. They’re shrunk as to who they are. And, when you’re blaming, your identity shrinks. You no longer have an open awareness that is a full-quality-of-beingness, you have become a victim, a defended self, an aggressive self, a righteous self. So it’s a trance because we lose sight of both who we are and who the other is. We forget our shared human vulnerability and we forget our shared goodness. Let me ask you at this moment to again close your eyes and reflect. Let’s start checking in on this and see what seems true for you. So bringing to mind someone where there is some degree of distance. And this does not have to be traumatic antagonism; in fact, that won’t work during a reflection like this. But where there is some conflict or tension or distance. And if it helps you to think of a situation that exemplifies what triggers you let yourself do that. And then notice how you are viewing them, who they are in your mind, what images comes to mind, what you are paying attention to about them, what you are noticing about them. What’s your lance like as you think of that person? Have they become a two-dimensional, unreal other, the kind of antagonist in the story or drama of your life? Just notice that. And in the conflict, who are you when there is distance or blame? What’s the sense of your own self when you are feeling blame? Sense what happens to your heart. Sense the openness or the narrowing of the aperture of the mind. Sense the contraction, the contracted or shrunken sense of who you are. The more you become aware of trance, of how in the reactivity of blame there is a shrinking of who you are in the other the more you’ll have a choice to wake up out of that, the more you’ll be able to start seeing unmet needs, your own and the other’s and begin to move towards bridging and coming back to belonging. Now feel free if you’d like to… you can sit with your eyes closed if you prefer or you can open your eyes again. One of my friends described when she was young something her mother would do with her and her brothers and sisters: Whenever one of them would say something judgmental or mean-spirited about anybody, the mother would have them all pause and she’d say, “Okay, let’s come up with three reasons why that person might have acted that way.” And then they’d have to collectively come… So let’s say somebody… So and so didn’t even say thank you for a birthday present at a birthday party. Okay, three explanations they’d come up with. Well, one would be, “They just weren’t feeling well” or another was, “Well, they were upset because some people didn’t come to their party” or, “Well, they were embarrassed with all that attention.” Didn’t matter. But their minds became adept at not locking into blame and sensing, “Well, what might have been the unmet need.” And I thought that was one of the most brilliant parenting moves I’ve ever heard, I think that was great training. So the reality is: When people act in rude ways or insensitive ways or in mean-spirited ways, they are not feeling happy and peaceful inside in these moments. No matter how we want to blame them, we know that inside there is some tork. If you have a person you’d love to hate and you imagine their face right now and you imagine what brings up the sense of aversion and then imagine their face, you’ll see in that face it’s expressing an internal state that is not very pleasant. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? So here is the thing: If we lock into blame and reactivity, we are in an aggressive or defensive stants and we can’t get our needs met certainly by the other person – that person is not going to meet our needs when we are in blaming state, right? – we can’t meet our own needs because we’re so busy blaming outwardly we can’t attend to our inner life and in a very deep way we are stuck in a trance where we are forgetting our true nature, we are forgetting the spirit and heart that’s really our essence. So it’s a kind of lose, lose, lose to stay in blame. So let’s talk about when we are stuck how we start making our way back to authentic connection and we’ll end our time together with a meditation called RAIN on Blame which can be very helpful. So the first thing we need to do when we are caught in blaming I call it the U-turn because we basically are taking our attention which is fixated out there and we are turning it back towards the life that’s here. And no matter how much we understand our learn about the U-turn, whatever we practice gets stronger; so if you really practice the U-turn, when you notice you are stuck in blame and you really start to learn to go like this, you are at the portal for freedom. It’s a really powerful move. So we make the U-turn, we start attending to our unmet needs, and that’s the beginning of opening out of the trance so we can have some of the flexibility to begin to establish connection with another. So let me give you an example of RAIN on Blame and I’ll do it with a personal story because I work this one a lot, this is one of my practices is not stay in blame. This is an example from my marriage with Jonathan. Early days. One of our early marriage patterns – which was: I was really attached to our scheduled meditations and check ins and, you know, kind of really wanted to make sure we took our time to because that translated to intimacy for me. So I was very attached to them. And I’d judge him whenever I felt he wasn’t prioritizing them the same way I was. And not only would I judge him but I would bring it up in a judgmental way that he was, you know, falling short somehow, that he was unspiritual and intimacy avoidant. So of course he’d get withdrawn and angry. And that was a signal when I was getting aggressive and he was feeling withdrawn that we’d go, “Oh, okay, reactivity, blame, let’s take our time out!” And that’s basically like saying, “Let’s take a U-turn or a self-compassion break,” okay? And I really recommend that to any time you have a very alive relationship with a friend or a partner or whatever to have a pre-agreement that when triggering happens you’re going to take a self-compassion break so that you have a chance to make a U-turn and do a little self-presencing so you have more resources to bring to relating with the other. So then I would – I’ll speak to my side of the process – I would be having that break and I would do the RAIN process with myself and I’d move from focusing on, you know, “He is being bad or unspiritual or intimacy-avoidant” back to, “Okay, what’s really going on here underneath all that judgment?” And what I’d typically find as a layering – as we do with RAIN – I’d recognize and allow that there was anger but then as I began to investigate – and by the way, if you are not familiar with RAIN I’m going to walk it through with you but the acronym RAIN is Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurture and these activate mindfulness and compassion – so I would recognize and allow, “Okay, angry, angry” and look under the judgment and investigate and when I’d start to investigate underneath the anger there’d be hurt, I was just feeling hurt and the anger was kind of defending me from that and there was a kind of unmet need in there for feeling special and lovable and cared about – it felt very old and very young kind of person in there, very familiar feelings. And so when I’d get in touch with them – with that squeeze, the feeling unlovable or not cared about and the unmet needs were to feel loved and cared about – then I’d bring the self-compassion which is in some way to say, “It’s okay sweetheart” or, “I am here, I am not leaving,” it’s bringing a kind presence to what’s there. And after the four steps of RAIN there is what I call After The RAIN which is, just like a real rain, after rain falls that’s when the blossoming happens, you have to pause after rain and then feel what’s happening. And what I’d feel after that nurturing is just more space, more tenderness, less stuck in that old identity of a victimized self or a wronged self. So there would be a shift in identity, which really is the sign of awakening from trance. I wasn’t any longer a victimized self, he wasn’t a “bad other,” there was just more space. So then what would happen is we’d get together and talk. And he would have done his own unravelling too. And we’d each name what we were feeling and the unmet needs. And because we had been with it we were very much able to be open to and empathetic towards the other. It’s sometimes called role reversing. That we could actually sense the other’s experience and be inside it. And we have done this so often, you know, whenever there is a stuck place, you know, doing our U-turn and working with it and coming back together that we have a joke that the first one who can role reverse wins which means the first one that kind of gets more open and empathetic is leading the way. It’s a kind of friendly, spiritual competition here, you know. In that coming together for both of us the key piece I want to name is that there is a sense… a shift in identity because we went from “bad otherings” back to a sense of “we,” of a heart-space that was shared. And this is the gift of doing RAIN on Blame which is that we get unstuck, we get to come back to more wholeness. Now I want to name the challenge which is: the core feelings are very, very persistent. Whatever our core unmet needs are – feeling unlovable, feeling unworthy, feeling not seen – that stuff doesn’t go right away from one round of RAIN. It really becomes part of our meditation that when it comes up we know how to pay attention and unlayer it and feel it in our body and offer compassion. It’s many rounds. But the good news is: it’s an amazing portal that if you decide that you are not going to just go to sleep in trance when blaming is there, if you decide to use blame, let it be a flag, to deepen attention, there is a profound freeing up and discovery of whom you really are that’s possible. And that’s what motivated me some years ago, I made a kind of commitment to myself that whenever I caught myself on some level judging and putting somebody else down – and often it was very, very subtle but there is some sense of putting down and sometimes it’s not subtle, you know, it’s just there -, but whenever I caught it that I was going to pause and not believe my thoughts but do the U-turn and unravel it. Because it makes us so small when we walk around in blame. So I guess the message really is: whatever we practice gets stronger. And if we practice judgment and blame a lot, we strengthen that kind of tight identity of a victimized self. And the more times you practice awakening from the trance of blame, the more you get familiar with who you are beyond that small self story. Now let me name a few of the concerns that I ran into when people explored this and that they tell me about. And one is that, “If I stop blaming, then I’ll keep getting hurt.” And some of you may have thought about that, you know, “If I don’t keep being aggressive or defensive, I’m just going to be stepped all over.” And you might remember the story I tell very, very frequently of a dog who is being aggressive because it’s leg was in a trap. Well, there is no question that when we have unmet needs, when people have unmet needs, when their leg is in a trap, they can act in ways that definitely cause harm. People can be dangerous. So here is the thing: You can let go of blaming the dog or blaming the person that’s being hurtful and still take good care of yourself, still create boundaries. And that’s a life-wisdom that we have to learn to do; that our hearts don’t hold on to, you know, rage and anger and feeling victimized, that our hearts are open and wise, and yet we call our boundaries as we need to. We can find out when we do that that anger and blame is actually disempowering, there is no capacity to heal in an inner way. So I want to name another question that people bring up which is, “But wait a minute! Do I have to squash my anger? I mean, isn’t anger a healthy part of us?” It absolutely is. In fact, every single emotion that we are wired to feel has an intelligence, every emotion has an intelligence, they all belong, and we need to listen to their message. In order to be healthy and whole we need to include our emotions and listen. And intelligence lets you know there is a block to your well-being, there is something in some way threatening, there is some unmet needs and that you need to take care of. So honour your anger when it arises, find its message. But anger doesn’t serve if it gets locked into place, if the anger button gets jammed. Does that make sense? It’s natural and necessary because it energizes us to take care, it motivates us, but as my very dear friend and teacher and author Ruth King writes, “Anger is initiatory, it’s not transformative.” “Anger is initiatory, it’s not transformative.” And, sadly, for so many of us – and this is why I wanted to start with that end of life reflection – anger or even more lower key blame locks in. And when it locks in it’s actually easier to stay in your blame or the anger than open to the vulnerability and the process that actually brings connection. So we stay in it. I want to share a story that touched me about this. And this is written by a teacher who teaches classes to adults. And he gave this assignment, he said, “Go tell someone you love that you love them. But it has to be someone you have never said this to or not for a long time.” So it might be a person where there is some distance. So he gave that assignment. A week later. And some people got very annoyed with it because it felt really tough. And one of the people that got annoyed said he got annoyed but then something happened, he said, “As I began driving home my conscience started talking to me and it was telling me I knew exactly who I needed to say ‘I love you’ to. Five years ago, my father and I had a vicious disagreement and never really resolved it. We avoided seeing each other a lot and when we were together was just distance. Well, by the time I got home I convinced myself I was going to tell my father I loved him. So the next morning, I called my dad to see if I could come over after work. When he answered the phone, I said, ‘Can I come over after work? I have something to tell you.’ And my dad responded with a grumpy, ‘Now what?’ I assured him it wouldn’t take long. So he agreed. At five thirty, I was there at my parent’s house praying that dad would answer the door. I was afraid if mom answered I would chicken out and tell her instead. But as luck would have it dad did answer the door. I didn’t waste any time. I took one step in the door and said, ‘Dad, I just came over to tell you that I love you.’ It was as if a transformation came over my dad. Before my eyes his face softened. The wrinkles seemed to disappear and he began to cry. He reached out and hugged me and said, ‘I love you too son but I have never been able to say it.’ Two days after that visit, my dad who had had heart-problems but didn’t tell me had an attack and ended up in a hospital unconscious. I don’t know if he’ll make it. So my message to all of you in this class is: Don’t wait. Just don’t wait.” You know, whatever our habit is, whatever we practice, really does get stronger, the grooves get deeper, and it takes a really deep reflection and commitment to practice something different. No matter how right you think you are when you are in conflict, no matter how right, it’s still a trance that keeps you in a disempowered identity as a separate, victimized self, it makes you small and of course it makes the other person small too. So the invitation here is to deepen our attention in our own lives, each of us, that if each of us right now who is here, who is listening, leaned in that direction to wake up out of that trance, to look towards unmet needs, we’d be creating ripples that really can affect consciousness, that open us to a heart-space that really can affect consciousness in our world. So I would like to explore in our meditation now. We are going to do a Rain On Blame meditation before we close. Take a moment to invite yourself into presence and let your senses be awake. Letting go where you can in your body, any tightness or tension. Opening to sensations and aliveness inside you. So we begin the practice of bringing RAIN To Blame by identifying someone you care about and with whom you experience some distance, conflict or tension, not full blown antagonism. And to help you get in touch you might bring to mind a particular incident, remembering the visuals of whatever was going on, the space you were in, the look on the person’s face, words exchanged, perhaps the tone. Notice what comes up now. And this is the time to make that U-turn and bring your attention from the other to your own inner life. And we begin RAIN by recognizing whatever is most predominant inside you right now, whatever feelings or reactions – maybe anger, blame, judgment. And with whatever you are noticing A is Allow, to let it be, know that this belongs too, this Is natural and it belongs, you are not adding any extra judgments about it, not trying to fix it, not ignoring it, just let it be there. This is what’ll allow you to deepen attention now and the I is Investigate. You might notice what you are believing about yourself and the other person. It might be something like, “Well, if they’re acting that way they couldn’t care about me” or “they don’t respect me” or “they don’t understand me” or “I am not safe with that person.” You might notice if there is a belief there. And you might notice what’s the worst part of this for you, what’s most disturbing or hurtful, what were you really hoping for with this person or wanting that didn’t happen. And most important: Where do you feel the feelings right now in your body? The essence of Investigate is to feel in your body where you feel the reaction, the hurt, the anger, the vulnerability. And you might let your face make the expression that expresses what you are feeling in your body and experiment with this. It can be very helpful in getting in touch. You can even fake it or exaggerate it a little bit with your face. And you might even let your posture shift slightly to express how you feel like how the vulnerability or that upset place feels – maybe your hands go into fists or you hunch over some – just experiment a little. And as you do go right where you feel most agitated or vulnerable – maybe your throat, your chest, your belly – and sense, “What is the unmet need here? What is it you’re most needing? Is it to feel cared about, to feel respected, important, understood, appreciated, safe? Sense the unmet need. And now call on the most wise and loving part of your being. You might if it helps shift your posture and your facial expression and really call on your own high self, that place that’s right now witnessing and listening to the vulnerability, the awareness that’s here, and see if you can offer to yourself from that high self to the vulnerability exactly what’s needed. You might put your hand on your heart as you do so. Sense what that part in you that’s got unmet needs most needs to hear and feel and see if you can offer some message to that part of you that might be comforting, nurturing. If you have never done this before let the touch be tender so you can sense that you are offering that tenderness right through your touch to your own heart. And if it helps to bring to mind someone that you know loves you and believes in you, a spiritual figure, you can imagine their energy moving through your hand right to the most vulnerable part of you offering understanding, offering protection, offering care. And notice how as you offer this self-compassion notice the shift in your own sense of presence. What’s changed? Perhaps that there is less of a sense of victimized self and there is more presence, more heart. And it’s from this more awake heart-space that you can begin now to look at the other person through wise eyes, let an image of the other person be there as you imagine them earlier – just you are seeing their face and their body-posture, imagine their voice – and see if you can recognize in them whatever is going on, just whatever you see – anger, distance, shut down – whatever you notice recognize in their reaction. And allow it, let it just be there, give it some space. And that can allow you to begin to investigate, to bring your empathic capacity, deepening your attention. What do you imagine they’re feeling? How might they have a leg in a trap or they were hoping for something and not getting it? What might this person’s unmet needs be? Did this person need to feel respected? Loved? Safe appreciated? Imagine and sense their vulnerability, maybe as a young person, a vulnerable being, and feel your care, feel your nurturing, your heart-space including them. And you might imagine this person feeling their needs met. How might they be or behave or be different if their needs are met? Just imagine that, how would they be if they felt really loved, understood and safe? As you sense that you might sense their basic goodness and how the gold shines through when they are not caught in fear. Now take a moment to sense who you are when you are free from blame. Even just a glimmer of that heart-space that can include yourself and others, the realization of true belonging. And you might imagine from this heart-space ways you can respond when you next encounter this person with more choice. And we close with a short verse from the poet Mark Nepo, “My soul tells me we were all broken from the same nameless heart. In every living being, every living thing wakes, with the piece of that original heart aching its way into blossom. This is why we know each other below our strangeness, why when we fall we lift each other or when in pain we hold each other, why when sudden with joy we dance together. Life is the many pieces of that great heart loving itself back together.” “Life is the many pieces of that great heart loving itself back together. Namaste and thank you for your attention.